Another year begins!

Wow.. Another year huh? And what a year it's been. I'm happy and proud of everything I've accomplished, and the recent year has indeed been an interesting one. A lot of travelling and a lot of different homes. I'm proud of my own efforts, I really am. I'm also proud of all my loved one's efforts, and happy for their achievements and success. And what better way to welcome a new year than out in nature with my family, around a fire next to the ocean. The arctic ocean sure, but that didn't stop my brother and my sister's boyfriend to go for a quick dip in the icy salt water. (I thought about joining them but got too bothered by the thought of getting THAT cold)

My hair smells of campfire smoke and it's quite comforting, as I'm lying here in my bed, ready to fall asleep soon and wake up in the morning to meet another dark day. The scent reminds me of so many good times, all in good company. Today I realised that I really am at my happiest when I'm outdoors, and I really should for that reason choose to start a life in a country that allows me to be outdoors around the clock (- and year). Even if it was dark today - as all days here - one could still see the outlines of a couple of mountains, and hear the waves gently roll onto the shore. It was beautiful and a perfect end of 2013 and a perfect beginning of 2014.

Soon I will stand on familiar ground again, and the sun will shine on me. This year will be another great year of learnings and more growing, new connections and deepening of connections. I will go to the places that are calling on me and enjoy all the freedom I have. More adventures awaits!

The Christmas Tree

What has sleep become when it's not a rest anymore.

Four months in this part of the world, two of them in darkness. 

The mind doesn't know where to be anymore.

I find myself not living in the world of life that I know and am familiar with, but amongst man-made things and rock. 

It's a toughness in self-love, yet a gentleness that one would only find in a creators love for her creations.

So I must rescue myself from a bad situation once more.

Because..

I just want to touch a tree again. 

I just want to smell morning dew again.

I just want to feel a warm wind against my skin again.

I just want to stand in the luke warm ocean water again.

I just want to feel the sun in my face again.

I just want a warm embrace again.

In this moment I realise that I even miss the flies. I miss the ants and the bees, and all the other small living beings that one usually doesn't take note of or value, but that we compete with subconsciously throughout our lives for space and energy. 

How could I possibly communicate my surroundings. How could I ever forget. 

This chapter is written with a bird's feather on animal skin, with ink made out of coal mixed with icy water.

I would never have guessed, that one day I would be able to relate to a Christmas tree.

To the rescue

When enough is enough, let it be so, and start climbing out of that muddy hole you feel you are stuck in. Sometimes all you need to do is stop and look, and just address the problem, when you do this, the answer will surely be there - we know more than what we think. What keeps us from feeling that we know, are all the walls we put up, all the facades. It distances us from honesty. Honesty defining so much more than just being sincere. Honesty is about looking inward, as deep as you possibly can, and then use the knowledge that you find there, directing it and allowing it to reach the surface of your being into this world. It might sound exaggerated, but believe me, this way of thinking allows one to be simple - more simple than you might think..

Sometimes the most complicated appearing things, are really the simplest ones. 

As always, things are harder to understand from the outside perspective. But looking through the perspective of the actual source of the matter, and it's quite simple. Remember that other people's influences on you are also part of that outside perspective. That's seemingly why it can be difficult to understand even yourself sometimes, because you relate to those influences. It's a part of life, it's a part of living to be not only yourself, it's natural and how this world works, regardless of what we would prefer. However.. As to all things with layers, there is always a core, and as to all things in general, there is always a source. There is a remarkable difference between all these places. From where you think you're standing, to where you actually are standing. From where you feel you have been, to where you know you are going. The place you can always find for sure, is your core. Not the humanoid ever changing ever growing organism's core (which would only be a part of it), but your actual being's core. 

The friendly reminder; Life and you

I find myself in a moment right now, where I once again realise that I've somehow put aside my own true aspirations and let myself be too involved in someone else's way of life. Thinking things through, I suddenly realise too the parts of the everyday me that are truly me, and no one else's influence. When you surround yourself with different people, it's easy to get lost, and to get influenced in many various ways, not saying that this is always bad, but sometimes I think that this is what mostly confuses people. When they subconsciously submit to someone else's way of thinking and feeling and forget how they really want to live and be, and feel themselves, and not only want, but simply who they really are without trying. 

I find myself caught inside a reminder, like I just read a mental note I placed in my head as a child. Things have become clearer and clearer with every day, week, month, year.. Ironically the clearer things become, the more confused I feel about humanity, and that what really matters is put aside in most cases regarding most people. Are they trapped inside someone else's view? Have they been mislead by someone or something that didn't know they were misleading? And how are things really suppose to be?

Everyone would surely have their own answer to that. 

So many times I've felt misunderstood by people. And so many times I've felt misunderstood even by myself. Maybe because I've been living partly always by someone else's rules, even though I haven't really wanted to. 

We are raised to be independent. We are taught that being dependant is unattractive (- to need other people, hell, I know I was raised like that). But the meaning of being dependant in today's society means something completely different to what it meant thousands of years go. Being independent then would probably only mean being able to survive on your own until you find a group of people you can live with and work together with (isn't that kind of funny?). Now independency is something that roughly means going through life trying to manage to do everything yourself and on your own, and in conjunction with that you're suppose to have friends and family that can help you out only when you really need their help, and if you do need their help you're suppose to feel a bit ashamed about it, like it hurts your pride. And for some reason being dependant on someone means that you're not capable of living a fulfilling life and not capable of taking care of yourself. To what extent is all this? How far gone are we?

My only "dream" in this world is to live a happy life together with people and other beings. It's about a system that feels natural and is without shame of oneself for something one shouldn't feel ashamed of. It's about sharing and caring, and trusting, and giving and taking. It's about consciousness and awareness, and compassion, and consideration. And yet, few people seem to understand these fundamental things. And when I try to explain to someone what my dream is, what I want to do with my life and how I want to live it, it goes beyond their understanding. It would be but a dream, an unrealistic way of life that doesn't comply with the political and consumer system and society. It doesn't comply with a career within that world, which for some reason is so important for everyone to have (well of course it is, without it the system is not encouraged). And I wonder why it would be so bad, or debilitating to live in harmony instead of trying to go against what feels natural because, everyone else is doing it (I mean is that why? Is that the reason? Surely there must be a reason which  benefits our wellbeing……)

Why do we need to feel all this shame? Why do we need to make each other feel bad about our dreams?

Why do we need to feel like we have power over other people and beings? Why do we need to compromise with ourselves just to get by everyday? Is it just me, or does it feel like we're kind of striving for the same things, but plan to get there in all the wrong ways?

I've been thinking about this for years.. And for years I've heard that you have to, you HAVE to, be a part of the system in order to one day "sort of" break free from it (because there's no real escaping). That the ONLY way to live the way you want, is through money, you need money for everything, to be able to create the life you want to live. But does that mean that we don't live our lives every day then? Does that mean we can only truly live after we've put ourselves through this madness that make thousands of people scared and depressed and tired and sick? I can hear that saying echo in my head again "life is hard". I say it shouldn't be. I say we have the means inside of us to change that saying into another - "life is good".

To get places you don't need money, you need people. Because, look around yourself, what do you see? Observe all the activities that occurs around you, what is there but living beings and the elements of nature. Everything that is man-made, is just that, made by man. Money didn't build the society we live in today, we did. And so, what are we? And who are we to be blinded by power, and let that aspiration take away our humanity.

We are not broken. We have only forgotten. The modern society is not something to fear, but what has build it is the aspiration of power, and THAT is something to fear. It's the one thing that is truly wrong in this world. 

To end this post, I'd just like to say that I love each and everyone of you, and I wish only the best for you. I hope we can share a happy life together on this earth one day. 

Remember, to see the future, look within yourself. To see the past, look at the stars. Both hold the answers to everything.

An Ascension

For those of you who haven't heard my song An Ascension, you can listen to it here.

The recording isn't great, but I just like to get my music out there for anyone who wants to listen.

I wrote An Ascension about a year ago, I was travelling alone and had recentely been fairly traumatized by events I'd rather not discuss publically. But these events changed my life, it woke something deep inside of me and pushed me in a new direction. I namned the song An Ascension because it was the main theme of that period in my life, and the song per se is inspired by that theme. It's not actually about a specific person, but there are a couple of different people who were on my mind when I wrote it.

Music has always been something very important to me, a way for me to express things I otherwise can't, and I really do feel like it's an extension of my soul. It's hard to explain, but it's like music is the essence of life sometimes.. And in times when I can't sing due to different circumstances, I feel like I'm not functioning, or like I'm fading. It's interesting, and it's so deeply rooted in my being. No matter the feeling, music always clears things up somehow. It's so profound, and awesome!

Sensations

Sometimes I just get a tingling sensation going through my entire body. It's like an exciting nervousness feeling spreading through all of my chakras, mostly solar plexus and feet/legs, and when I breathe through them, the feeling is almost orgasmic. Sounds weird I know, but it's also interesting. I have no idea where it's coming from. It's such a bliss and such a peace, it feels like a promise of amazing experiences to come.

I feel like, I'm really on the right track.. And that everything really is going to be okay. It's an incredible feeling. There's so much inspiration and so many possibilities. 

Fascinating too that this can randomly occur in the most tedious situations. Just like that.

Even though pain and restlessness is present, a warm and loving energy is surrounding my being, and it gives me hope in these dark times. And finally today, the clouds have dispersed and the moon is shining brightly. I can see the water and the outlines of the mountains again. 

Now if only this migraine could go away haha!

Nerding away

I've made incredibly good use of my time - this week has been a Harry Potter week. I've watched almost all movies, just a couple more to go, and since it's only saturday I feel fairly confident! (Hmm.. I wonder if the sarcasm comes through here..)

(..However..) Watching Harry P again really takes me back to my childhood, I remember how I used to dream away my time and create my own world of mystery and magic. I never cared for the possible disappointment it resulted in, I just kept on dreaming and fantasising. I guess it was what essentially helped me cope in the dark and cold northern hemisphere, and through those rough patches in school and at home. But somewhere along the way, I stopped. I stopped allowing myself to do it. Fantasising became something I feared actually. And now, the dark and cold days have reentered my life, and perhaps my imagination could help me get through it once more, but I find myself reluctant to even try, scared to dream too much, afraid that I would imagine things to a degree that inevitably would create disappointment in the end - I have a history of easily fooling myself, and I'm not particularly interested in testing any new evolution in this area just yet. Though that day too will come.

On a midday walk earlier I noticed there was a blob of light in the sky - the moon hiding behind clouds. It's a full moon tomorrow, and tomorrow is also sunday. (Several times this week I've gotten the idea that I should get my hands on a shirt that says "stating the obvious", because I seem to do that a lot)
I went sunbathing before, VERY satisfying indeed, although not real sunlight, the solarium provided me with equal amounts of warmth and light. I think it helps in the dark season, when light is not only scarce, but simply does not exist. I've actually never been to a solarium before today, it was an interesting experience.

Apart from Harry Potter and a solarium visit, it's been a fairly busy week, with massage, exercising and exploring new grounds. Constantly reminded that life up here, is not like life down under, and the me I know and love in other parts of the world, is not the same me I know and love here. We take our experiences and learnings with us, but cannot keep living the same way when we find ourselves in new environments under new circumstances, it's just not doable. And it's how it's suppose to be, these changes and adjustments are what makes us grow and what continuously colours the everlasting existence we call our being.

Boy does this place make me wonder things.. From an anthropological point of view it's actually really fascinating! It's a pity I feel like I can't mention all the people I encounter and spend time with, there's always things to share. A lot of people are more interesting than what they think themselves to be.

When darkness keeps on falling

The darkness is starting to take a toll on me.. It's been around two or three weeks now since I last saw the sun. I've never been the person who's scared of a bit of darkness in winter time, some people get depressed, I don't. But this kind of constant darkness is hard to prepare for! It's mostly noticable on weekends when you sleep in and have heaps of leisure time, you go up late in the morning into the kitchen to make breakfast and yet it's still dark, and you're body is wondering "should I still be sleeping?" haha! And then the day continues on in the same manner - the hours go by and even though you're doing things, every time you look out the window there's a creeping feeling of unnaturalness, and the body is still waiting for that sun to appear somehow. But the sun doesn't appear, and when you take a look at what time it is, it's suddenly night again (not that you would know otherwise)

It feels a little bit better as soon as you step outside though, for a walk or whatnot. The cold air is invigorating. However, it's still dark, and sometimes that cold/snow/wind can be a slap in your face.

I went to the museum the other day, a lazy sunday activity, and the more I learned about the history of Svalbard, the sader I got. It's a tale of trappers and the gory, raw and unsympathetic reality that reigned. People came here not only for freedom, adventure and exploration, but exploitation (or so I would say). Whale hunting, walrus hunting, seal hunting, fox hunting, bird hunting, polar bear hunting, hunt hunting - kill until there's nothing left, seems to have been their motto.. By the end of the walk through all the exhibitions, I felt sick.

I guess there's a few different ways of looking at the dark season up here, either it's like living inside a cold tomb, or, it's like floating inside your mother's womb. It's a struggle between wanting to go into hibernation and be up and about - trying to maintain some sort of routine.

Looking at it through a positive perspective though, it's quite a magical period, of northern lights and glimmering stars. It's not hard to imagine you're in another part of the universe. I think this is the first time I don't feel an urge to visit another world in this dimension, because being here has really made me realise the huge variation in our own (that, and honestly, just watching nature documentaries). It's a big world we live in, so much to learn and see, we don't even know the half of it. What makes me so sad though, is that most people are just too wrapped up in the consumer society to see that - still just eyes on all the exploitation possibilities.

But anyway, I'm definitely starting to notice some side effects of this neverending darkness.. It isolates you, and forces you to take a good look at yourself, literally, because every time you try to look out the window, all you see is your own reflection.

Sudden motherhood

Somehow the light returned to me. Maybe to remind me. 

I dreamt I was pregnant, and then I gave birth. He was beautiful, and charming. His hair and eyes brown, a sweet little baby boy. In his late teens he had grown to be tall and slender, but strong. And it seemed he could only love, but he didn't quite understand our ways of loving. His curiosity made most people smile and generally he spread a joyous energy around him. He loved to share, and learn new things. It was as if he was an alien being, trying to adapt to our world... Maybe he had been away for several years because the time from when he was a little boy till now being all grown up, was lost.

People his own age found him peculiar, yet inspiring, they smiled back at him and were all so intrigued  by his energy and beauty. They knew he wasn't from their world, and yet they welcomed him as one of their own.

He also connected with my mum in my dream, letting her see him. She thought he was beautiful too, and she was taken by his otherworldly ways - always curious, smiling and loving.

I was so proud of him. He made me feel at peace because he reflected parts of myself and others that I had always wished could show more. And to know that I was a part of this being's creation..

He was a quick learner, and he adored humans, he wanted to know everything there was to know about them.

Not once did his father appear in the dream, but I knew he must have been more than what he had let me believe he was, to be able to be part of such a creation. I could feel then that I loved my son's father for letting this wondrous being come into my life. I also knew it wasn't just his creation, but mine. That there was something special inside of me that had given birth to our son, and made him the way he was. We belonged together, by sharing this special bond we were connected, and yet, somehow, we were from two different dimensions.

He had returned to me, and it made my entire being smile. He definitely didn't look how I expected him to look, but he was beautiful, and he didn't have any difficulty tapping into his own goodness and true self.

I've never dreamt anything like this before so it was quite amazing. I don't know where it all came from, but it was definitely an interesting experience.

Universal connection

Some people don't need much sleep. I'm not one of those people. But nevertheless here I am, almost 2 in the morning, awake, even though I have work in, well, a few hours. I guess it's just one of those nights, simply up late, contemplating sociology and life... My eyelids feel desperately heavy, yet when I close my eyes there's not a sense of sleepiness, only a million thoughts running through my head, all connected to the same feeling. A feeling of openness and overwhelming love, and I know that in this moment I'm bursting with light and projecting an enormous quantity of loving energy into the universe.

I know now that I'm not only here, but I'm in many places at once. Quantum physics, realised by stopping and looking, stopping and knowing. And I can feel a vibrating energy gently tickling my skin, like shivers all over my body.

Before falling asleep tonight I know that there's an entire universe inside of me.

Aurora

Well, at least I can't say being up here doesn't give me inspiration to write music. It was actually one of those things I knew would happen before I came. Apart from making money, I definitely saw this as a music retreat.

Last night we went out to see the northern lights, and it was so big! It covered an entire half of the sky! It was amazing and ever shifting - looking like it was dancing with the wind.
It's funny because my latest song is called Aurora, and when I first started writing it, I didn't really know what it would be about, because lyrics simply come to me most of the time, like visions, and sometimes it takes a while even for myself to get the message. But after some thought, Aurora seems to be about my time up here so far, and how taking some distance from my previous lifestyle has given me space to digest things and understand myself better. Understand people in general better actually and the different facets of this world! So it's been a fun and enriching process!

I'm trying to record a demo version right now that I will upload as soon as I'm happy with it (not going to be a perfectionist)

It's fun too to notice how my music style changes over time. I currently feel that I'm more open to experimenting and really look forward to trying to develop all these songs with other musicians in the near future.

Looking Inward - Awareness

Looking out the window, it's just white. I can't even see the mountains today. It's been snowing constantly for a few days now I think, but still there's not heaps of snow on the ground - which is interesting!
It's cold, mostly below -10 degrees celsius.

When I first started reading a book called "Looking inward" from the Wat Buddha Dhamma monastery, I thought it was a tad exaggerated, probably because I'm not used to reading about buddhism (or religion in general for that matter). But then I read one chapter that really resonated with me, it was as if I read my own thoughts of late, and it made me wonder.. I guess the more time and energy we put on awareness and consciousness, the more we realise these things on our own - teachings that someone must have come up with at some point in the same manner. It's just interesting how separate beings can come to the same conclusion without having to talk to each other, especially regarding spirituality, and I guess that's what it's all about isn't it!

The chapter was called "Aware right at awareness". It's about well, exactly what it sounds like - awareness - being aware of that everything simply arises, persists until it inevitably disbands.

The author writes:

"Looking inward is special in so many ways. Whatever arises, simply stop still and look at it. Don't get excited by it. If any special intuitions arise when the mind is still, then if you'll become excited you'll get the mind worked up into a turmoil. If you become afraid that this or that will happen, that too will get you in a turmoil. So you have to stop and look, stop and know. The first thing is simply to look. The first thing is simply to know. And don't latch onto what you know - because whatever it is it's simply a phenomenon which arises and disbands, changing as part of its nature."

"If your mindfulness and discernment are constantly in charge, the truths of the arising and disbanding of mental and physical phenomena are always there for you to see, always there for you to know... All we have to do is stop and look, stop and know clearly in this way, and we'll be able to away with many kinds of suffering and stress."

Finding peace and stillness, that emptiness - that according to this book is inside all of us, is amazing. But I've also discovered that it's not all about drifting around in a huge nothingness.. Not really.

Because I felt like it

Today I had a fairly interesting day. I was alone in the office which meant amongst other things that I could play any kind of music I wanted without worrying about anyone getting annoyed - which meant playing Michael Jackson and Prince while dancing in my chair to wake up in the morning - then settling down and going into work-mode by listening to "relaxing" piano music and the soundtrack to "Amélie" (twice).

Came home, sat down with my guitar as usual (still haven't named it) and played through a couple of my latest songs. Then I realised, man, I'm hungry! And remembered we have home-made spring rolls from one of the thai restaurants! (the cook gave us a special deal ah yeah)
So with that knowing, I went down to the supermarket to buy Starbucks ice coffee for tomorrow morning. (Also popped into the second hand shop just to find the coolest beanie in the world!)

Firey smooching

This post may vary a bit from the rest, but I like sharing random memories.

So, I just remembered making out with this guy in his bed not too long ago, when suddenly the pillow caught fire because there was a candle burning on the bedside table. He quickly pulled the pillow from under my head and threw it on the floor, and since it was still kind of burning I poured tea on it - a cup also standing on the table. Then, since it was so smokey he threw the pillow out the window, then he came back to continue to make out, like nothing had happened. I think the pillow was lying there on the ground in that same place probably for a week at least after that. I guess, the funniest thing about it was how not a big deal he made out of it. I always find that with guys, especially in intimate situations, they just don't let anything be a mood breaker, and if you let it be a mood breaker, they just get annoyed.

(And while we're on this track, I've never really understood why some people think it's a turn off to laugh and have fun during sex.. It's awesome to mix in some giggles and laughs with the seriousness, like in any situation actually.)

Growing up

"Growing up means growing out of the emotional reactive patterns that were laid down in childhood. I should mention that an important part of this work is learning how to hold our emotions and reactivity in a space of kindness and understanding. 

Beyond growing up, there's a greater possibility as well—waking up. This means waking up to who we really are—that fundamental openness and warmth of the sun. It means learning to live more and more from that place, even when new clouds arise, as they will." - J.W.

Keep calm and carry own

When you in a heated discussion discover things about yourself that you didn't know existed, and how they probably came to be in the first place.

Understanding yourself more can sometimes be scary, and sad for that matter. Some realisations may not be about one's flaws or qualities, they can simply be insights into why things are the way they are, and how the past is affecting you now. Clarity can arise on certain frustrations, and why you're drawn to certain people. Sometimes it can make you feel like you're broken, but I think it's best to try to feel like it's okay, just learn from it and move on. Understand that you can't fix everything and everyone, you can only try to lead with a good example, whatever you think is good - tap into your higher knowing.

There's a sad and frustrated silence filling the apartment. I'm trying to relax. Frustrated because I feel that change is in the air, but then there are some things that are stubbornly hanging in there. Unnecessary issues which could easily be resolved but just aren't. It makes me sad because I really want them to. Even if I've grown to detach from these problems, they're still there it seems - family dramas.

I think it's hard sometimes to simply accept that people are a certain way, and that there's nothing you can do about it. There's nothing you can say that will change how they act and how they speak, the only one who can change them are they themselves. That's how I've changed, by realising things on my own and being observant of my own thoughts and behaviour and how it affects others. Awareness is the tool to self-improvement. Instead of trapping ourselves in darkness and retreat into our bubble, we need to step out into the light. Not feeling sorry for ourselves, not being stubborn, jealous and uncooperative. We need to be brave, always brave. Because we've created problems and things to be afraid of to a degree that isn't fair to anything or anyone in this world. Be someone you would be proud of, without putting pressure on yourself. Be proud of accomplishment and efforts.

Helping each other is what creates bonds between people, it connects people, caring about each others wellbeing. A warming hug, a friendly smile or even just a pat on the shoulder can go a long way. 

It's awesome to be strong, but sometimes it can be worse not to allow yourself to be a little bit weak once in a while - with emphasis on "what does it mean to be weak, and what does it mean to be strong?" We all need to cry, and vent, and feel like things will be alright. And it's our duty as intelligent sympathetic beings to support each other as well as we can, to let people know that they're not alone. We shouldn't of course let others drag us down and spend every waking hour to help someone, but in the midst of our care taking of ourselves, let there be time to take care of others as well. 

The time stopper

How precious are those moments when you just are. When you forget about time and only feel a connection with the universe. When a combination of everything occurs - creating an entire entity out of all that is, and you are one with it. What ever the sensations you might experience are, they don't seem to be separate anymore, but rather they only become a series of reactions within the entity, like muscles flexing. 

How precious are those moments. I can close my eyes and instantly be connected, be conscious, be aware. All emotions seem to fade briefly except the natural fascination, love, light and curiosity. I feel that I am me and that me is a part of absolutely everything, me becomes you and you becomes me. The focus lies on the feeling of being a part of all that I love - where I project my love as it reflects back to me. I'm a part of the scent of morning dew, the sound of birds singing in the trees and the great mysterious oceans. I'm a part of the music I hear, I'm a part of the people I love. I feel like I can go back in time and that I can see my own future and parallel lives being lived. And I feel joy and happiness and compassion. I think of the wonders that are only visible on higher levels but which still can be felt on this, and all those small sensations that really are big sensations because they make me feel alive, they make me aware of the fact that I exist. I am the participant and the observer, and that existence is precious. Moments, when time stands still. 

The time stopper is awareness. Awareness becomes the link to oneness and the ever flowing river of light and creation.

Painting by Fredric Church "The River of Light"

Enough space to be sane

Sometimes I think dreams are what keeps us sane, because they make us realize that we're not that limited, even if the space of the dream world may feel limited per se sometimes. Living in a box makes us go insane because we know our soul's breathing only works outside of the cage. So dreams - which can fill us with hope and fear - above all else they make our lives so much bigger - endless. It can seem it's our own divinity we connect to when our bodies are resting, allowing us to travel to a space where anything is possible. Meanwhile our waking hours may not be as encouraging and spacious. But with the possibilities that dreams give us, every night we have an opportunity to fuel ourselves with the type of energy we need for the coming day.

A couple of weeks back I dreamt that I was standing on a staircase looking up at the night sky. In the sky there was a giant whale swimming around as if it was the ocean, and its outlines were glowing like starlight (very similar to the picture above). It was quite the image, and that image gives me courage still, and comforts me on dark days when hope is scarce and fear is present. I don't know what that whale was or what the dream meant but it made me feel loved and looked after. Dreams about whales seems to be reoccurring for me lately.

Excursion Time

Finally home after a long day, I'm excruciatingly tired so let's see how writing goes.. It's been snowing on and off, casually bbq:ed some whale and salmon on a boat next to an enormous glacier, I've visited a small russian settlement further south and on the way back I meditated next to the fire barrel on deck with a cup of tea, looking out over 

the vast snowy mountain desert and ocean (before I got a little bit nauseous). And I must say I've really appreciated mum's goose down coat today..

So the settlement I visited was called Barentsburg, it has about 500 citizens - more or less depending on the season. It's a very small mining community where the majority of people are russian and the russian culture is very noticeable in all the amazing artwork on the houses. There's a small chapel, there's a school, supermarket and sports center, library, museum, pig farm, hotel and various other buildings where people live etc, and of course there's the mine. It's quite amazing - and I was taken by this - it took us about two and a half hours by boat from Longyearbyen to reach this settlement and when we arrived I thought things looked pretty much the same as the place we left, nature and the majority of the buildings and the ongoing activities, but there were these small things that were so very different, so fascinating, and it really felt like you were in russia all of the sudden. It doesn't perhaps sound heaps cool but it was amazing! Especially since it was so small and like Longyearbyen - isolated in this rough arctic landscape, they only had ONE helicopter for transportation to civilization. People live a very impressive and unusual life.

I'm beginning to feel the small town vibes, it's so nice and interesting to get to know people here, it's a different mentality. Being cut off some how from the rest of the world - set in a somewhat unavailable  location, it changes people (to the better). I've never felt intimidated by anyone or scared going out in the middle of the night, because I guess up here you're so vulnerable it creates a new way of thinking and acting, it creates a trust and bond between people, knowing that solidarity is the only way to survive and be happy. 

There are a few different types of people who choose to come and live here; people looking for adventure, people wanting peace and quiet, community people or maybe just people who simply love nature. But yeah, most people only come to make money of course. (- to start with anyway, and then they fall in love with this place and stick around for years. I probably won't be one of those people though. Not that I'm not totally amazed by this place, because I am, but I just know that I'm at my best/the most happy when living in a warm climate - long term.)

Something I've thought about today; Everyone has history, we all know this. But everyone also has stories, myths and legends. What are yours?

Moments of today

Just getting home from first day at new job, naturally putting on my pyjamas and pretending I know how to tap dance irish style while listening to irish music. 

Also I made about a hundred alaskan husky friends today, man I love animals! Especially dogs.

Keeping a good diet

(The blue packages are oat milk,
and the yellow tube - believe it or not
- is mackerel in tomato sauce!
The rest is pretty obvious, I think)

Who knew eating healthy would be possible in the arctic! I am so grateful! 

- In contrast with the very meaty dinner I had yesterday consisting of reindeer, whale, seal and white grouse. It was very interesting though, I like to try new things food-wise. 

Well, I like food in general (!) 

The ways of nature

Not too long ago a light of creation could be felt inside of me, a light that wasn't welcome but that I couldn't help but to strangely love unconditionally. It lit up a space in my heart but then swiftly went out, like a delicate flame in the wind. I promised I would always remember that light. 

It's white out there

Where I was born, I was born in winter. I was always jealous of my friends who were born in summer, who could have strawberry birthday cakes (this is a big deal okay, I love strawberries) and be out playing in the sun and go swimming and whatnot at their birthday parties. On my birthday I was basically trapped inside the house because of the snow and ice - or sometimes slush because it was melting.. I guess there were good parts though, you could go skiing or ice skating, building snow forts and stuff like that - if you were lucky with the weather of course. Although in general I just hated it, I hated the cold. 

But right here right now, I feel a refreshing appreciation for it. I can really feel that I am a winter-child and have a connection with it, not in a way that makes me like it more necessarily, but it's there. Looking out over the mountains that are covered in snow with white clouds hovering above them, I just feel like, it's so beautiful, so serene! It's probably what you'd imagine heaven could look like - visually very satisfying - one of the most beautiful views there is in this world! I dearly love colours, psychologically colours make me feel better, but there's something special about when the world is just white, because, white is all the colours gathered - it's the light before it passes through the prism. It's something mysterious and magical, just like these gorgeous mountains, and combined… Stunning, just stunning. (And the fresh air is not too shabby either hah!)

Eventually, going back to summer land will be amazing - to say the least - and when that day comes, I'll know a completely new meaning of winter. The seasons of this world will continue to amaze me! NATURE will continue to amaze me. It's all magic I say. 

:)

You read it, you can't unread it

"I wanna know what it would be like if I were a human, being a robot is great! but we don't have emotions and sometimes that makes me sad" - Bender, Futurama

I'm writing this because I just wanted to put a little friendly reminder out there, seeing that there are so many people I encounter who makes me think of these issues, and feels this way. So many people.. seriously.

So.. Starting with some simple questions..

How can you expect or want anyone to care about you on a certain level, if you don't care about them on that same level? How can you expect anyone to give you services if you're not willing to return them on that same level? You might say "I don't expect that", you might say that you don't expect anything from anyone. But a truth is, that with every little dream or vision comes a possible expectation or hope for an expectation. With every need comes an expectation or hope for an expectation, a hope that we CAN expect something from someone - anyone - and that they can expect something of you. We want to fulfill each others lives. We want our own lives to be fulfilled, not just by things, but by people being in our lives. Being cared for, but also caring for others and taking care of oneself. We want to make someone beside ourselves happy, make things better, because otherwise, let's face it - we're wasting our time. The spark of life is love, the light is love. That's why being abandoned is one of the worst traumas in life because we feel like we've failed as people - as those beings suppose to belong to a group. Being left behind or pushed away makes you feel like you're not important, like you're not worth anything to anyone, and as these beings that we are, we have a need to feel needed by the group, this includes a partner, or perhaps most importantly a partner - which would then be the most intimate group. Suddenly you feel very replaceable. Being traumatized in this way changes your entire outlook on life.

It would be silly to believe that we don't need anyone but ourselves. When the people we feel are helping us the most/enriching our lives the most, are leaving us for a while, it's natural to want someone else to fill that spot in their absence. But it's not really possible because everyone is unique and will inevitably play different parts/roles. To say that people are replaceable and that you know you are too, that is giving up on self worth and the worth of others. That is giving up on letting someone truly mean something to you on another than just a temporary level. Because different people can have the same function in your life for sure, but it is not about function - it's not just about "service". It's about mutual trust, care AND service. 

But in contrast to this, one mustn't ever forget that you're the only one you truly have and will always have. So the most important thing to do becomes to take care of yourself and keep moving forward. You might not realize but you have much to be proud of and you will keep making yourself proud, by caring for yourself and never stop trying to make yourself happy. You can heal the world by starting with healing yourself. When you notice a problem inside of you that you can't solve on your own it's easy to feel like you don't function properly, but this is not the case - of course! We can try, but we can't solve absolutely everything on our own, and not being able to solve things on our own doesn't mean we're failures at human experiences, it only means that we're having human experiences (not that you should ever use that as an excuse though, careful now). 

We're all scared, it's the human condition. It's hard to plan things in a world of chaos, it's hard to feel completely free in a society where everything revolves around money. I've always hated money - hated the system and norms. I don't think many people feel like they even belong in it. But it's like people don't want change, TO change, change is scary to them, because you don't know what could happen, right? And we need to feel like we have things under control, and know what to expect. But change is what this world is all about, that's how we move forward - evolution - it's how we grow. So even if you're scared now, know that it's necessary and that you will benefit from it - it will throw you on a path that will lead you home. 

Because all roads lead home in the end. 

When you have the courage to let yourself make someone happy, and simultaneously let them make you happy, you'd be surprised how easy life can be and how naturally things will fall into place. But it takes courage, it really does. Because if it's not change we're scared of, it's being hurt, not being good enough, and again - abandonment. 

Making up for lost sleep

This morning I had an odd feeling that I was suppose to keep sleeping for a while longer. Not like, oh I'm so tired - sure would be nice to sleep in a little, but rather it was like this peaceful feeling came over me. I was already sleep deprived so I knew sleeping a bit longer would be good for my health, but it was also like something was there telling me to go back to sleep. So I did anyway and it was amazing. I don't know what happened except I had all these awesome dreams that really made up for things that has happened the past couple of weeks. Really cool experiences. Not like surreal supernatural ones, well, to a degree, but they were just dreams that had a little bit of everything: action/fighting, warmth, family and friends, ocean, a sense of safety and peace, magic and mystery.. It was really cool. When I woke up I felt strangely satisfied!

I feel like I've really been in touch with my subconscious lately, it's been interesting, and good. 

A safe climb, life analogy

This is one of the follow-ups to the "Happiness" post, elaborating why I think you can feel safe by trusting yourself. 

As I'm climbing up the mountain I suddenly become aware of the fact that I'm not only making my way up there, I'm also walking on an already finished path. I'm walking on someone else's path. A path not only one but many people have chosen to walk on before me, and there will be more coming after me. The goal for most people is to reach the top of the mountain, and to reach the top we've chosen to walk on the same path as others before us, literally. 

Continuing my journey, every now and then I make a shortcut and the closer to the top I get the fainter the path becomes and I have to start climbing on the rocks, there's now no given path. I forget about the path, I only have the top of the mountain in mind. 

When I reach the top and look back down I discover two different paths I could have taken, one of which I choose to take on my way back down. But I realize none of these paths would have helped me on my way up because the mountain wall was just as steep, the stones just as slippery, as where I made my own path, perhaps even worse - some parts of these paths were so worn down they actually became harder to walk on because there was no grip left.  

Every now and then during my climb, making my own path was the better option because it was more safe, because I then thought for myself instead of following someone else's thoughts by walking their path. Making my own path - trusting my own judgement and ability made me feel more safe, and actually being more safe.

The wonders of headphones

Up until yesterday it had been a very long time since I listened to music on my iPod while walking outside. Which is weird, because I listen to music every day, and pretty much with everything I'm doing.. But not walking then I guess.. It might be because of this slight obsession I have with nature sounds come to think of it, it's so grounding, and I like to hear what's going on around me when I'm outside. But anyway, it was funny because it really took me back to the days of high school, I used to walk to school in all kinds of weather, holding on to my mp3 player like a gold nugget. The thing is, listening to music through headphones creates a different atmosphere than listening through speakers (obviously), suddenly it's like your life has a soundtrack - it's amazing! It's so inspiring and motivating (depending on the song of course). I can't believe I've neglected this way of listening to music for so long.

Today has been a Jack Johnson day - No good with faces

Ready for life

Being ready for whatever you're facing is like saying being ready for life, and you can never be more ready for life than what you are now - because life happens every day. There's no way you can brace yourself for what's coming, because you don't know what's coming. Right now the most important thing is to be grateful for what you got, to be aware of the things that make you a lucky human being. Things can always be worse, but in a way "the now" will always be neutral without a comparison, without the description of perception, you're simply in a situation.

Missing play time

Not so long ago,
on the other side of the world.

Decisions

When I was young I wanted to become a biologist, archeologist, photographer, actress, engineer and inventor, medicine woman and have my own alternative pharmacy, massage therapist. I've wanted to become an architect and designer, tattoo artist, martial artist, cook, have my own café and/or juice/smoothie bar etc. There's so many things I've wanted to become, and do, so many occupations I've been interested in.  

These past few years it's almost been like I'm waiting for the world to choose for me, just waiting and see what happens. But I have a feeling nothing will really happen because as it is now, a decision hasn't been made, and if a decision hasn't been made, the universe will have a problem trying to re-arrange itself for anything to happen. Why do I have to choose one may ask? - Trying to think outside of the box and all. Well, there's an enormous power in decisions, that's all I know. When you decide upon something - it could be anything - that's when things happen. And deciding upon an occupation could be like finding purpose with ones life. Because to me, an occupation should be a lot more about having fun and be happy than earning money - but that's the bonus. It's not that I'm not happy, I actually am, I'm enjoying all sides of life and know that I'm doing what I can to make myself happy, and hopefully making someone else happy simultaneously. It could be easy drifting around all life and just take every day as it comes. I still can't plan more than a month ahead which has become quite funny, because it's nothing I do deliberately. But I feel making another decision in life would be nice right now, I feel that could be my next chapter, modifying the purpose and meaning of my life. Adding things, letting go of other things.

The best part is I know I can still be interested in all those other things, and I probably will give not only one of them a go, but decisions have to be made sooner or later. I'm starting off by doing some research - since I believe that what you'll enjoy researching about the most could be a sign of what you'd be able to do long term as well.

Mid-night snack

Maybe not the best looking sandwiches,
especially not since the onions look like
some kind of worms, but still.

Newly baked rye and spelt bread with dijon mustard, tomatoes, fresh garlic, fried onions, kale, garlic/chili oil and salt, topped with fried sausages. (Also made banana bread earlier so that'll be like.. dessert) It's funny what not living collectively can do to your cooking (Although, I still eat rice w salt and garlic oil fairly often because it's super yum!) I think in my case being a lazy cook is connected to living situation. If living with a bunch of other people, it's sooo much easier to just kick back and let someone else do it, because let's face it, it's always nicer being cooked for. But when you live by yourself or maybe just with another person, you don't really have much of a choice, especially not if you appreciate good food. 

So lately, I've just had this never-ending food inspiration, and even though I've always been one of those people who think about breakfast before even going to bed, it's a nice change to actually feel inspired to make it myself as well. Mornings are tricky though. I've heard a few times from people that they think I'm a person who would feel really good having nice and steady routines, but honestly, I've tried that and I think I can go about a week with things being all good, but then slowly yet predictably, the schedule is mixed again. Frankly I like it that way, and I call it: "being flexible". As long as I keep up with exercise and whatever makes me happy - I'll be fine.

Speaking of nothing, I really wish I had one of those drinking coconuts in my hand right now. 

Awe

I'm having an amazing time accepting the things that are coming my way, and appreciating the many opportunities of learning and growing. Even if I now and then feel scared about being in a place that's so far away from the things I'm used to, I'm also in awe of how otherworldly this place is. When I was younger my one and only goal in life was to see the world I lived in - to know all of nature. Well, it seems my childhood dreams are coming truer with every year. 

- Going out on adventures is fun, and really what keeps me going. But in all honesty I'm also looking forward to building a home somewhere where adventures will come to me.

This place can be intimidating. I'm so far north like, sure, I live by the ocean - the arctic ocean. In the middle of the icy wilderness - dying here would be easy. There's barely any life, barely anything to connect to, except earth and the ancient wise rocks! Sometimes I imagine this could be what it would be like being on another planet. When you gaze out over the water, the mountains and glaciers, you know that that's all there is out there. It's such a peaceful feeling and yet I feel like I'm an intruder in this amazing landscape, like I'm not suppose to be here. (Which I guess in a way isn't so weird considering humans wouldn't be able to survive up here in a natural order). Moving the smallest stone feels wrong, like I'm changing things I shouldn't. And I can't help but to wonder, what is this place? I'm not familiar with the energies here, which makes it all so much more interesting. Being here makes me fully understand that the world doesn't need anyone, it doesn't care about who dies or not, it still continues on like normal, dusk and dawn.

I can hear the huskies howling from afar, and the moon is hanging like a jewel in the sky. I feel lucky for having this experience, especially in these times. Who knows what this place will look like in twenty years, with the climate changes and all.

About relationships in short

I just re-read some of John Welwood's work and thought it would be nice to share some of the things that caught my intention this time around. I remember first reading this over a year ago and it was very interesting and inspiring, not only because of the situation I was in back then but all in all I can relate to it. I'm not going to say anything more about it, just let these quotes speak for themselves:

"Sometimes it seems that relationships almost want to resist consciousness. After all, they've been unconscious for thousands of years, governed and guided by roles, by social and family traditions, and always supported and rationalized in that context. But that framework hardly exists in our culture anymore. Because there are few external supports and guidelines for relationships today, each of us to figure out how to go about having sane, healthy, alive relationships. This means bringing consciousness to something that has been in the dark for thousands of years.

For thousands of years relationships have been like that—love in the dark, basically. And now we're lighting a candle to see, "Well, what are they about? What's going on here?" And to do that actually involves tremendous trials. To bring consciousness to an area that has never been conscious before is extremely challenging. It's a heroic journey.
A conscious relationship in my view is one that puts you completely to the test as a human being. It involves becoming clear about what we are doing with another person and what that requires of us."

"The problem with running away when a relationship becomes difficult is that it’s also turning away from ourselves and our potential breakthroughs. Fleeing the raw, wounded places in ourselves because we don't think we can handle them is a form of self-rejection and self- abandonment that turns our feeling body into an abandoned, haunted house. The more we flee our shadowy places, the more they fester in the dark, and the more haunted this house becomes. And the more haunted it becomes, the more it terrifies us. This is a vicious circle that keeps us cut off from and afraid of ourselves.

The other distortion is to make relationship into something familiar and totally safe, to treat it as a finished product, rather than a living process. This is the security trap. When we try to make a relationship serve our needs for security, we lose a sense of greater vision and adventure. Relationship becomes a business deal, or else totally monotonous. A life devoted to everyday routines and security concerns eventually becomes too stale and predictable to satisfy the deeper longings of the heart.

Neither of these approaches leads very far or provides a path. The illusion of heavenly bliss may allow us to ascend for a while, until we finally crash when the relationship inevitably comes back down to earth. The illusion of security keeps us glued to the earth, so that we never venture to reach beyond ourselves at all."

John Welwood is "a psychotherapist, teacher, and author, and has been a pioneer in integrating psychological and spiritual work for the past thirty years".

(I'll probably quote him more in future posts.)

Setting the whole thing of creating your own happiness etc aside - which is something I believe in too, not saying that this is even separate from that actually, but just to make it clear - I think this is something that people should be thinking more about because society is basically a clump of different kinds of relationships. There's no way anyone can avoid relationships of various kinds, so they are an important part of our world and trying to make the best out of them I reckon is one of the better things we can do in our human experience. I'm not only talking about partnership, but friendship and family, business relationships, you name it.

Cold but inspiring

Just looked out the window and noticed there's snow on the ground (!) Yesterday was a very cold day in comparison to what I'm used to starting probably two years back. Below zero.. At this point I'm realising I will need to get a new jacket. Usually I can go fairly long being stubborn and defying all kinds of things, but "you know it's cold when you start fantasizing about putting more clothes on". Someone told me the other day that the sun sets 20 minutes earlier every day now so it won't take more than a couple of weeks before it gets dark up here. I'm not sure if this is anything anyone can ever brace themselves for. I mean, there won't even be a couple of hours of sunlight, no sun at all.. For a few months.. It'll be like living on the dark side of the moon (!)
I better hit those mountains while I still can see where I put my feet!

Mina Bolognese

So me and my sister just pulled this really funny prank on our mum. We were talking about me changing my surname and started spitballing ideas, the more we did this the uglier the names got and sooner or later made no sense what so ever, because that's just how we operate. When it eventually came down to "Mina Bolognese"* we couldn't stop laughing for quite a while, I mean who would seriously.. ? Anyway, as it was so funny to us, a challenge was born - to make someone believe I really changed my name to that. We thought, who's the most gullible person we know and my sister goes "Mum. C'mon we have to do this", and so we did. We both texted her and told her the strange news (- my sister acting upset about it for it to sound more credible). I even changed my name on facebook for a while. I got a text from my mum later saying stuff like "I don't understand, you don't even like meat", but after a while she started to get more upset because she's now accepted it and goes "Well I hope you understand that your passport isn't valid anymore then!" (- because I'm not in my home country right now this would be a big deal) At this point I started to feel like I didn't want to play with her nerves anymore so I told her the truth, feeling a bit bad about the whole thing (yet still laughing). Like, why would I change my name to Bolognese?

*(the original name suggestion was even spaghetti bolognese, but not even mum would have bought that)

Usually I'm so bad at pranks, seriously, I can't lie to people. But my sister, she can get really.. determined. Which is funny. She's awesome.  

And I love my mum, she's amazing! Aaand she's used to us being like this so it's okay.

I can't help but to wonder though, who is this Mina Bolognese and what would she be like? 

Missing the action

Just watched this movie and let me say, I feel hungry - for a lot of things. Endangered animals not being one of them.

This kind of excitement makes me clench my fists - in a good way.

"Life is hard"

When we grow up we are told by adults that life is hard. It makes us believe that life really is hard, maybe even that it SHOULD be hard. We think we have to learn the hard way and therefor don't really question when it is hard, we only accept it because it's what we've been prepared for. We go through life prepared for hard times and tough life lessons. "No one said it would be easy", you hear this quite often. But what if it would be the other way around, what if life actually is easy and by hearing it's not we're only creating problems that aren't really there. Maybe our entire society is just based on layers and layers of problems that we created ourselves, it's actually highly probable. 

Happiness

I think a big portion of joy in life comes from how safe and comfortable you feel around other people.. To be able to be a weirdo (- that weirdo you know you are when you're by yourself). But also I think feeling safe comes from trusting your own judgement and ability. Make your own path every now and then and for goodness sake, relax, you're just as weird as the next person. Forget about the norms, they're not real when it comes to joy, the only thing that's real when it comes to joy is truth, the freedom in and of truth.