Comfort and peace

I am here, and I am living with these feelings and thoughts. These memories are mine. I cannot make the pain go away, but I can find ways to live with it. There is nothing right now that can heal all the hurt, and so, the only thing left to do is to see that it is there, feel it, observe it, and let it be. Emotional pain is not as temporary as physical pain, and traumas will always be remembered, consciously or subconsciously. They are a part of me, only, they need not scare me. They need not keep me from experiencing happiness and love. They need not tell me what I can and cannot do. They need not define me.

My biggest comfort has always been to be present within my senses. To focus on the smells, the sounds, the temperature, anything that touches my skin. Focusing on any light, or reflection of light. Feeling my heart beating. A beating heart is the most calming thing, and hearing a living being breathing, because it reminds me of life, and its eternal motion. It is what tends to be forgotten at times, the simple fact that we are alive, and that we are here. And no matter how hard we try to escape from things, we cannot escape from that. We continue existing, inside or outside our bodies, on this earth or another, or in dreams and on non-physical planes. Sensations will always be there, the eternal motion will still be there.

A new adventure

As much as I hate to complain, the past few weeks have been a little like a taste of hell. Nausea, fatigue and life changing decisions. Not to mention disturbingly long travels. It seems time has moved rather quickly though, from a month ago being in Australia, to being in New Zealand, to now being in Sweden, staying in a small cottage next to a lake. Yesterday I got a glimpse of heaven again when I smelt the amazing summer evening dew. It brought back wonderful memories and filled me with a longing I haven't felt in quite a while..

Something strange happens when you stop everything you're doing and just observe and feel the world around you. You may realise that all your decisions in life aren't really that big after all. In the greater sense, we're mere human beings, trying to make our existence meaningful and enjoyable, however we go about it. When I stop to breathe, when I stop to feel my being breathing, human life as we live it today disappears. In fact none of it seems real.

I've found myself in a situation when just observing isn't good enough anymore. I'm forced to leave my humble watch tower to participate - take part in something that is quite abstract, yet so natural and such a profound part of every beings's existence. I wonder why I find it so scary. Scary but beautiful. I wonder if there will be a way for me to continue on my own journey as an observer, whilst teaching another being the ways of life as a participant. I'm happy to be given this chance though,  to live fully, to understand this world fully. And so a new adventure begins.

Last weekend in Australia

I feel a bit dejected and discouraged, I'm not going to lie. The past few weeks have been hard, in many ways. Looking forward I have a big journey ahead of me, many new places and faces, but I have no idea where I will be. I'm writing this on a saturday night, through sneezing and snivelling. Once again I'm home alone, involuntarily, lying in my bed with the heater on, trying to make myself comfortable. But all I think of is this feeling of resignation sending chills down my spine - I've literarily been getting goosebumps through out the day.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm creating problems that aren't really there. This apathy and dissatisfaction must come from somewhere, but maybe I'm just projecting it myself. Just a few months ago I wasn't really worried about anything, I felt so calm and okay with things, and my future looked bright, it still does, but for some reason I'm experiencing a kind of lost feeling. Not knowing where I am or what I'm doing, why I choose to do the things I do and say the things I say. Actually most of the time I don't know what to say. I'm quite content with staying silent although there's millions of things I'd love for people to hear, and although I have a need to explain things, or enquire about things. I remember when I was a kid, I used to get upset a lot, especially with my mum, and she would try to figure out what was wrong, but I just wouldn't say anything, while feeling stupid knowing that my silence would only provoke and make things worse. But I just didn't know exactly why I was upset sometimes, or simply wasn't able to express what I was feeling. It all just came out in tears and screams. For some reason it feels like I'm back in that state of mind again, after all these years. Despite all my experience and usual certainty about my own feelings, I just can't pinpoint what it is that puts me in this spot at the moment. I feel like I just need a break - a vacation. Not having to talk, or be provoked, because I'm honestly exhausted.

I don't feel comfortable. There are tons of factors of course, but I think the main one is just not feeling heard, or considered, even though I'm showered with love. Such a weird thing, ridiculous really, because I'm so grateful for everything I have and everyone in my life who makes it richer and more beautiful. I feel such warmth for all of them and every living being in nature surrounding me. Yet I don't feel comfortable. My situation is.. Weird, at the moment. I think that's all I have to say.

And now for figuring out how to move forward from here..

Communicating without words

The past year has been interesting. I've been having all these weird feelings and thoughts that seem to be from an outsider's perspective - an observer's perspective. And it hasn't been to a degree that's common to me, no, it seems it has completely consumed me somehow. It's like I see the world through the eyes of an alien, and I'm intrigued by the most fundamental things in our world, like, communication and language for example. Isn't it just amazing how we communicate through words and sounds? And how easy we can understand each other even when we don't speak the same language? I said something as simple as "thank you" to my colleague a moment ago and started giggling to myself afterwards because the sound of it was so fascinating, the way I knew what to say and the fact that she understood me and that we were so receptive to that kind of communication. It was just so funny to me, and exciting, and I don't really know why.
For a few years now, I've been wanting to get to know people without talking (though people are awfully reluctant to try this, believe it or not). Last year I had a thought about how nice it would be to go on a first date with someone and not speak to each other. Just do something fun together and see how we both react and act in certain situations, read facial expressions and use body language, but above all else connect.

I don't know why, but oral comunication just feels so foreign to me all of the sudden, or perhaps outdated..? I often loose words and I'm grateful when someone finish my sentences (which is funny because most people get annoyed when others do this) But I think it's fascinating because lately when people have done this, they finish the sentences exactly how I thought about finishing them in the first place, which is a small proof to me that on a certain other level, we are already communicating - non-verbally/orally.

I love to sing, well of course I do, otherwise I wouldn't be a singer songwriter, but I've noticed that what I really feel like doing, is to not put words together with the sounds I make. It's like Lisa Gerrard and similar artists. What I'm singing has meaning, purpose and a message, but it's not about words, rather it's about the way I sing.

Whenever I hear someone sing I feel like singing too, and whenever I sing I feel so alive, and my heart and solar plexus chakras expand so much it feels like my chest and stomach is going to explode. It's an excitement and joy I can't quite describe (obviously, I don't want my heart and stomach to explode, but you know what I mean). Same with dancing.

Somewhere along the line we started using words - naming things - so that it would become easier to communicate, but that's just it. Words are tools in communication, not the essence of it. I think people forget that sometimes. Actions play a much bigger role - the leading role actually, and words are just the supporting characters that binds it all together and complete the story.

It's quite possible to communicate without words.

I've always been a person who has felt like she has a lot to say, but suddenly I find myself in a space where words aren't that important anymore, instead I just feel like doing - a lot actually! It seems that much (not all of course) of what I want to share, can be communicated in some other way, on a new level.

It's getting late, let's talk

I'm not sure why people have this tendency of wanting to start a long, emotional and complex conversation in the middle of the night. It always ends with both of you incredibly tired, hungry and most commonly discouranged. It's a time when we are suppose to sleep which puts our minds and bodies in a different state, a state that perhaps is just a little bit more vulnerable and sensitive. I think it's common knowledge. Let's speculate around this; During this time something happens, we start to think and digest things, just as our bodies begin to process the activities of the day and gradually putting itself into rest mode. If there's something we've been holding in during the day, it will most likely want to be expressed now, maybe because we subconsciously want to finish off and get closure in all areas before we go to sleep, and not drag our emotional upsets with us to the next day.

Even if this would be the case and there's not really any bad intentions involved - you just want to clear things up so that you can get a good night sleep, maybe if you hold things in you'll end up thinking about it all night and get annoyed, twisting and turning in bed - As we lay there, there's not really much else to do than think about things and try to relax. But when there's feelings and thoughts involved that make you uneasy, relaxing is hard, and sleeping is harder. So maybe your instinct is to try to get rid of it in a way you think would help, only, I bet you don't think talking to someone at this stage wouldn't be a wise idea considering the previous noted aspects.

We are tired. We are extra vulnerable. We don't have enough energy to deal with things we otherwise probably could.

This late hour is an interesting one, it's a time of the day that should be treated as sacred and people should act according to how they actually feel - taking into consideration that we're actually tired and sensitive, and the best thing we can do is to relax and calm down from the stressful day we just left behind us - not deal with dramas (that would be for the next stressful day to sort out). We owe it to ourseleves to at least try not to talk about things that might be upsetting at night because it puts us in imbalance, and most of the time it takes hours and hours to work things out, and to choose the hours we're suppose to sleep to do this is just not very intelligent. Specifically it doesn't benefit us all that much the next day when we're excruciatingly tired and can't think clearly (- thus a bad circle, seeing that a sluggish mind will most likely create even more problems).

I think Tom Bombadil (well, JRR Tolkien) deliver this quite well;

"Some things are ill to hear when the world's in shadow."

So how do we fix this? We all know it's easier said than done, and not only because during the day most people are unavailable to talk. Well, maybe the best way to solve this would be to avoid the "piling" of negative emotions. By using an arising and disbanding technique, meaning, acknowledging when an issue is arising and then letting it disband by addressing it right then and there. Sometimes you don't even need to talk about certain issues that arise in order for them to disband, sometimes it's enough to just let the other person know your reaction. The key to most situations is to open the honesty door. When you've opened the honesty door you're suddenly invited to step into a room called "perspective", and as we all know, perspective is only the antechamber to the room you really want to be in, - understanding. (I'm not sure why I'm painting a picture of a house trying to explain this.)

Surprising to no one, trying to solve issues and work through emotional upsets in the middle of the night is only energy draining and should be prevented and avoided as much as possible. But when these talks do happen, it's also important to be understanding to why they're actually happening then and there, and not sooner, more timely. Being timely can be tricky, because we're taught that there's a time and place for everything, and placing these conversations is hard. However, the main guideline is: Not in the middle of the night.

THE END OF THE WORLD

I should have know when I read the title "Apocalypse How", that it would be too much even for me. "Apocalypse? - How??" I couldn't take it seriously. Not only because all the scientists involved in this documentary were all from the same country (- which wouldn't necessarily equal a broad view on things), but also because I've done research about the ways they presented humanity could end, and I know a bit more about it than what they let you in on here, and my conclusion is that this documentary is just fear propaganda, i.e. not very helpful, nor insightful. The constant repeat of the word "eventually" made me, eventually, laugh. Because putting fear in people with what may or may not happen in 60 000 years is pretty funny.

Of course some apocalypse will happen eventually. But nevertheless, an apocalypse doesn't necessarily mean the end of the world, even if it's what the word would indicate, the dictionary even suggests it could mean "revelation". It could mean "change", and people would have to change. Our way of life would have to change, and sooner rather than later. People would die yes, and people would have to fight for survival, but hey, isn't that something we're already doing? Yes, yes it is. See the only difference would be the way we try to stay alive, and that's just evolution - whether it's a sociological, ecological or biological one.

There are so many ways the world could "end". Let's stop and look at that briefly. Not by watching this   documentary that only scares and - to a certain degree - misleads people, but let's look at what we already know, and what's going on around us in this moment. Let's speculate how things could be. How would we want things to be? Consider how this planet as the celestial body it is, actually works. Keep that in mind, and then continue speculating. If you don't know how this planet works, but only know how the human society works, then do some research, learn about your home planet. Learn about all the other beings living here. Because you have to understand, this planet is home to so much more than humans, and it has super vast areas of land and oceans where we haven't built societies, and we never will, because we can't, and that's a good thing, because we don't own this planet. We only live here.

Please learn about your home planet, you will feel so much better afterwards, believe me. You will feel more in tune and connected because suddenly you have a wider understanding for your surroundings.

Don't be scared or worried about the eventual "end of the world". Instead, be scared and worried about how you're living your life when you take into consideration how your home is actually evolving.

Yes, things are changing. Certain things have passed, and more things will pass, and leave space for us to build something new and better. That's all I see, I hope you do too. And, as soon as you tune in with the planet, you will know what that "new and better" means, it probably won't be what you first thought. And maybe something will happen in the future which will make our planet uninhabitable to us humans, we just don't know at the moment, we just know a lot of could:s.

Scientists have done an amazing job figuring things out about our world, but all they can do is tell you what they've discovered. It's then up to you what to do with that knowledge. And apart from what they teach you, you in turn have things to teach the world. You have responsibilities just like everyone else. JUST like everyone else. (Think about that the next time you do.. Well, anything! Anything from quickly contemplating whether or not to toss that candy wrap in the street, to smoking a cigarette in someone's face or scaring a helpless and funny-looking animal)

Make time to connect with your legacy, you will discover it's worth saving, and honestly, why should anyone even have to tell you that, right? You already know. It's okay to feel like you don't belong here, or don't want to be here, but let that disconnection create compassion for someone else's world then, instead of creating neglect. Because even if it's not important to you, that doesn't mean it's not important to someone else.






 

Another year begins!

Wow.. Another year huh? And what a year it's been. I'm happy and proud of everything I've accomplished, and the recent year has indeed been an interesting one. A lot of travelling and a lot of different homes. I'm proud of my own efforts, I really am. I'm also proud of all my loved one's efforts, and happy for their achievements and success. And what better way to welcome a new year than out in nature with my family, around a fire next to the ocean. The arctic ocean sure, but that didn't stop my brother and my sister's boyfriend to go for a quick dip in the icy salt water. (I thought about joining them but got too bothered by the thought of getting THAT cold)

My hair smells of campfire smoke and it's quite comforting, as I'm lying here in my bed, ready to fall asleep soon and wake up in the morning to meet another dark day. The scent reminds me of so many good times, all in good company. Today I realised that I really am at my happiest when I'm outdoors, and I really should for that reason choose to start a life in a country that allows me to be outdoors around the clock (- and year). Even if it was dark today - as all days here - one could still see the outlines of a couple of mountains, and hear the waves gently roll onto the shore. It was beautiful and a perfect end of 2013 and a perfect beginning of 2014.

Soon I will stand on familiar ground again, and the sun will shine on me. This year will be another great year of learnings and more growing, new connections and deepening of connections. I will go to the places that are calling on me and enjoy all the freedom I have. More adventures awaits!

The Christmas Tree

What has sleep become when it's not a rest anymore.

Four months in this part of the world, two of them in darkness. 

The mind doesn't know where to be anymore.

I find myself not living in the world of life that I know and am familiar with, but amongst man-made things and rock. 

It's a toughness in self-love, yet a gentleness that one would only find in a creators love for her creations.

So I must rescue myself from a bad situation once more.

Because..

I just want to touch a tree again. 

I just want to smell morning dew again.

I just want to feel a warm wind against my skin again.

I just want to stand in the luke warm ocean water again.

I just want to feel the sun in my face again.

I just want a warm embrace again.

In this moment I realise that I even miss the flies. I miss the ants and the bees, and all the other small living beings that one usually doesn't take note of or value, but that we compete with subconsciously throughout our lives for space and energy. 

How could I possibly communicate my surroundings. How could I ever forget. 

This chapter is written with a bird's feather on animal skin, with ink made out of coal mixed with icy water.

I would never have guessed, that one day I would be able to relate to a Christmas tree.

To the rescue

When enough is enough, let it be so, and start climbing out of that muddy hole you feel you are stuck in. Sometimes all you need to do is stop and look, and just address the problem, when you do this, the answer will surely be there - we know more than what we think. What keeps us from feeling that we know, are all the walls we put up, all the facades. It distances us from honesty. Honesty defining so much more than just being sincere. Honesty is about looking inward, as deep as you possibly can, and then use the knowledge that you find there, directing it and allowing it to reach the surface of your being into this world. It might sound exaggerated, but believe me, this way of thinking allows one to be simple - more simple than you might think..

Sometimes the most complicated appearing things, are really the simplest ones. 

As always, things are harder to understand from the outside perspective. But looking through the perspective of the actual source of the matter, and it's quite simple. Remember that other people's influences on you are also part of that outside perspective. That's seemingly why it can be difficult to understand even yourself sometimes, because you relate to those influences. It's a part of life, it's a part of living to be not only yourself, it's natural and how this world works, regardless of what we would prefer. However.. As to all things with layers, there is always a core, and as to all things in general, there is always a source. There is a remarkable difference between all these places. From where you think you're standing, to where you actually are standing. From where you feel you have been, to where you know you are going. The place you can always find for sure, is your core. Not the humanoid ever changing ever growing organism's core (which would only be a part of it), but your actual being's core. 

The friendly reminder; Life and you

I find myself in a moment right now, where I once again realise that I've somehow put aside my own true aspirations and let myself be too involved in someone else's way of life. Thinking things through, I suddenly realise too the parts of the everyday me that are truly me, and no one else's influence. When you surround yourself with different people, it's easy to get lost, and to get influenced in many various ways, not saying that this is always bad, but sometimes I think that this is what mostly confuses people. When they subconsciously submit to someone else's way of thinking and feeling and forget how they really want to live and be, and feel themselves, and not only want, but simply who they really are without trying. 

I find myself caught inside a reminder, like I just read a mental note I placed in my head as a child. Things have become clearer and clearer with every day, week, month, year.. Ironically the clearer things become, the more confused I feel about humanity, and that what really matters is put aside in most cases regarding most people. Are they trapped inside someone else's view? Have they been mislead by someone or something that didn't know they were misleading? And how are things really suppose to be?

Everyone would surely have their own answer to that. 

So many times I've felt misunderstood by people. And so many times I've felt misunderstood even by myself. Maybe because I've been living partly always by someone else's rules, even though I haven't really wanted to. 

We are raised to be independent. We are taught that being dependant is unattractive (- to need other people, hell, I know I was raised like that). But the meaning of being dependant in today's society means something completely different to what it meant thousands of years go. Being independent then would probably only mean being able to survive on your own until you find a group of people you can live with and work together with (isn't that kind of funny?). Now independency is something that roughly means going through life trying to manage to do everything yourself and on your own, and in conjunction with that you're suppose to have friends and family that can help you out only when you really need their help, and if you do need their help you're suppose to feel a bit ashamed about it, like it hurts your pride. And for some reason being dependant on someone means that you're not capable of living a fulfilling life and not capable of taking care of yourself. To what extent is all this? How far gone are we?

My only "dream" in this world is to live a happy life together with people and other beings. It's about a system that feels natural and is without shame of oneself for something one shouldn't feel ashamed of. It's about sharing and caring, and trusting, and giving and taking. It's about consciousness and awareness, and compassion, and consideration. And yet, few people seem to understand these fundamental things. And when I try to explain to someone what my dream is, what I want to do with my life and how I want to live it, it goes beyond their understanding. It would be but a dream, an unrealistic way of life that doesn't comply with the political and consumer system and society. It doesn't comply with a career within that world, which for some reason is so important for everyone to have (well of course it is, without it the system is not encouraged). And I wonder why it would be so bad, or debilitating to live in harmony instead of trying to go against what feels natural because, everyone else is doing it (I mean is that why? Is that the reason? Surely there must be a reason which  benefits our wellbeing……)

Why do we need to feel all this shame? Why do we need to make each other feel bad about our dreams?

Why do we need to feel like we have power over other people and beings? Why do we need to compromise with ourselves just to get by everyday? Is it just me, or does it feel like we're kind of striving for the same things, but plan to get there in all the wrong ways?

I've been thinking about this for years.. And for years I've heard that you have to, you HAVE to, be a part of the system in order to one day "sort of" break free from it (because there's no real escaping). That the ONLY way to live the way you want, is through money, you need money for everything, to be able to create the life you want to live. But does that mean that we don't live our lives every day then? Does that mean we can only truly live after we've put ourselves through this madness that make thousands of people scared and depressed and tired and sick? I can hear that saying echo in my head again "life is hard". I say it shouldn't be. I say we have the means inside of us to change that saying into another - "life is good".

To get places you don't need money, you need people. Because, look around yourself, what do you see? Observe all the activities that occurs around you, what is there but living beings and the elements of nature. Everything that is man-made, is just that, made by man. Money didn't build the society we live in today, we did. And so, what are we? And who are we to be blinded by power, and let that aspiration take away our humanity.

We are not broken. We have only forgotten. The modern society is not something to fear, but what has build it is the aspiration of power, and THAT is something to fear. It's the one thing that is truly wrong in this world. 

To end this post, I'd just like to say that I love each and everyone of you, and I wish only the best for you. I hope we can share a happy life together on this earth one day. 

Remember, to see the future, look within yourself. To see the past, look at the stars. Both hold the answers to everything.

An Ascension

For those of you who haven't heard my song An Ascension, you can listen to it here.

The recording isn't great, but I just like to get my music out there for anyone who wants to listen.

I wrote An Ascension about a year ago, I was travelling alone and had recentely been fairly traumatized by events I'd rather not discuss publically. But these events changed my life, it woke something deep inside of me and pushed me in a new direction. I namned the song An Ascension because it was the main theme of that period in my life, and the song per se is inspired by that theme. It's not actually about a specific person, but there are a couple of different people who were on my mind when I wrote it.

Music has always been something very important to me, a way for me to express things I otherwise can't, and I really do feel like it's an extension of my soul. It's hard to explain, but it's like music is the essence of life sometimes.. And in times when I can't sing due to different circumstances, I feel like I'm not functioning, or like I'm fading. It's interesting, and it's so deeply rooted in my being. No matter the feeling, music always clears things up somehow. It's so profound, and awesome!

Sensations

Sometimes I just get a tingling sensation going through my entire body. It's like an exciting nervousness feeling spreading through all of my chakras, mostly solar plexus and feet/legs, and when I breathe through them, the feeling is almost orgasmic. Sounds weird I know, but it's also interesting. I have no idea where it's coming from. It's such a bliss and such a peace, it feels like a promise of amazing experiences to come.

I feel like, I'm really on the right track.. And that everything really is going to be okay. It's an incredible feeling. There's so much inspiration and so many possibilities. 

Fascinating too that this can randomly occur in the most tedious situations. Just like that.

Even though pain and restlessness is present, a warm and loving energy is surrounding my being, and it gives me hope in these dark times. And finally today, the clouds have dispersed and the moon is shining brightly. I can see the water and the outlines of the mountains again. 

Now if only this migraine could go away haha!

Nerding away

I've made incredibly good use of my time - this week has been a Harry Potter week. I've watched almost all movies, just a couple more to go, and since it's only saturday I feel fairly confident! (Hmm.. I wonder if the sarcasm comes through here..)

(..However..) Watching Harry P again really takes me back to my childhood, I remember how I used to dream away my time and create my own world of mystery and magic. I never cared for the possible disappointment it resulted in, I just kept on dreaming and fantasising. I guess it was what essentially helped me cope in the dark and cold northern hemisphere, and through those rough patches in school and at home. But somewhere along the way, I stopped. I stopped allowing myself to do it. Fantasising became something I feared actually. And now, the dark and cold days have reentered my life, and perhaps my imagination could help me get through it once more, but I find myself reluctant to even try, scared to dream too much, afraid that I would imagine things to a degree that inevitably would create disappointment in the end - I have a history of easily fooling myself, and I'm not particularly interested in testing any new evolution in this area just yet. Though that day too will come.

On a midday walk earlier I noticed there was a blob of light in the sky - the moon hiding behind clouds. It's a full moon tomorrow, and tomorrow is also sunday. (Several times this week I've gotten the idea that I should get my hands on a shirt that says "stating the obvious", because I seem to do that a lot)
I went sunbathing before, VERY satisfying indeed, although not real sunlight, the solarium provided me with equal amounts of warmth and light. I think it helps in the dark season, when light is not only scarce, but simply does not exist. I've actually never been to a solarium before today, it was an interesting experience.

Apart from Harry Potter and a solarium visit, it's been a fairly busy week, with massage, exercising and exploring new grounds. Constantly reminded that life up here, is not like life down under, and the me I know and love in other parts of the world, is not the same me I know and love here. We take our experiences and learnings with us, but cannot keep living the same way when we find ourselves in new environments under new circumstances, it's just not doable. And it's how it's suppose to be, these changes and adjustments are what makes us grow and what continuously colours the everlasting existence we call our being.

Boy does this place make me wonder things.. From an anthropological point of view it's actually really fascinating! It's a pity I feel like I can't mention all the people I encounter and spend time with, there's always things to share. A lot of people are more interesting than what they think themselves to be.

When darkness keeps on falling

The darkness is starting to take a toll on me.. It's been around two or three weeks now since I last saw the sun. I've never been the person who's scared of a bit of darkness in winter time, some people get depressed, I don't. But this kind of constant darkness is hard to prepare for! It's mostly noticable on weekends when you sleep in and have heaps of leisure time, you go up late in the morning into the kitchen to make breakfast and yet it's still dark, and you're body is wondering "should I still be sleeping?" haha! And then the day continues on in the same manner - the hours go by and even though you're doing things, every time you look out the window there's a creeping feeling of unnaturalness, and the body is still waiting for that sun to appear somehow. But the sun doesn't appear, and when you take a look at what time it is, it's suddenly night again (not that you would know otherwise)

It feels a little bit better as soon as you step outside though, for a walk or whatnot. The cold air is invigorating. However, it's still dark, and sometimes that cold/snow/wind can be a slap in your face.

I went to the museum the other day, a lazy sunday activity, and the more I learned about the history of Svalbard, the sader I got. It's a tale of trappers and the gory, raw and unsympathetic reality that reigned. People came here not only for freedom, adventure and exploration, but exploitation (or so I would say). Whale hunting, walrus hunting, seal hunting, fox hunting, bird hunting, polar bear hunting, hunt hunting - kill until there's nothing left, seems to have been their motto.. By the end of the walk through all the exhibitions, I felt sick.

I guess there's a few different ways of looking at the dark season up here, either it's like living inside a cold tomb, or, it's like floating inside your mother's womb. It's a struggle between wanting to go into hibernation and be up and about - trying to maintain some sort of routine.

Looking at it through a positive perspective though, it's quite a magical period, of northern lights and glimmering stars. It's not hard to imagine you're in another part of the universe. I think this is the first time I don't feel an urge to visit another world in this dimension, because being here has really made me realise the huge variation in our own (that, and honestly, just watching nature documentaries). It's a big world we live in, so much to learn and see, we don't even know the half of it. What makes me so sad though, is that most people are just too wrapped up in the consumer society to see that - still just eyes on all the exploitation possibilities.

But anyway, I'm definitely starting to notice some side effects of this neverending darkness.. It isolates you, and forces you to take a good look at yourself, literally, because every time you try to look out the window, all you see is your own reflection.

Sudden motherhood

Somehow the light returned to me. Maybe to remind me. 

I dreamt I was pregnant, and then I gave birth. He was beautiful, and charming. His hair and eyes brown, a sweet little baby boy. In his late teens he had grown to be tall and slender, but strong. And it seemed he could only love, but he didn't quite understand our ways of loving. His curiosity made most people smile and generally he spread a joyous energy around him. He loved to share, and learn new things. It was as if he was an alien being, trying to adapt to our world... Maybe he had been away for several years because the time from when he was a little boy till now being all grown up, was lost.

People his own age found him peculiar, yet inspiring, they smiled back at him and were all so intrigued  by his energy and beauty. They knew he wasn't from their world, and yet they welcomed him as one of their own.

He also connected with my mum in my dream, letting her see him. She thought he was beautiful too, and she was taken by his otherworldly ways - always curious, smiling and loving.

I was so proud of him. He made me feel at peace because he reflected parts of myself and others that I had always wished could show more. And to know that I was a part of this being's creation..

He was a quick learner, and he adored humans, he wanted to know everything there was to know about them.

Not once did his father appear in the dream, but I knew he must have been more than what he had let me believe he was, to be able to be part of such a creation. I could feel then that I loved my son's father for letting this wondrous being come into my life. I also knew it wasn't just his creation, but mine. That there was something special inside of me that had given birth to our son, and made him the way he was. We belonged together, by sharing this special bond we were connected, and yet, somehow, we were from two different dimensions.

He had returned to me, and it made my entire being smile. He definitely didn't look how I expected him to look, but he was beautiful, and he didn't have any difficulty tapping into his own goodness and true self.

I've never dreamt anything like this before so it was quite amazing. I don't know where it all came from, but it was definitely an interesting experience.

Universal connection

Some people don't need much sleep. I'm not one of those people. But nevertheless here I am, almost 2 in the morning, awake, even though I have work in, well, a few hours. I guess it's just one of those nights, simply up late, contemplating sociology and life... My eyelids feel desperately heavy, yet when I close my eyes there's not a sense of sleepiness, only a million thoughts running through my head, all connected to the same feeling. A feeling of openness and overwhelming love, and I know that in this moment I'm bursting with light and projecting an enormous quantity of loving energy into the universe.

I know now that I'm not only here, but I'm in many places at once. Quantum physics, realised by stopping and looking, stopping and knowing. And I can feel a vibrating energy gently tickling my skin, like shivers all over my body.

Before falling asleep tonight I know that there's an entire universe inside of me.

Aurora

Well, at least I can't say being up here doesn't give me inspiration to write music. It was actually one of those things I knew would happen before I came. Apart from making money, I definitely saw this as a music retreat.

Last night we went out to see the northern lights, and it was so big! It covered an entire half of the sky! It was amazing and ever shifting - looking like it was dancing with the wind.
It's funny because my latest song is called Aurora, and when I first started writing it, I didn't really know what it would be about, because lyrics simply come to me most of the time, like visions, and sometimes it takes a while even for myself to get the message. But after some thought, Aurora seems to be about my time up here so far, and how taking some distance from my previous lifestyle has given me space to digest things and understand myself better. Understand people in general better actually and the different facets of this world! So it's been a fun and enriching process!

I'm trying to record a demo version right now that I will upload as soon as I'm happy with it (not going to be a perfectionist)

It's fun too to notice how my music style changes over time. I currently feel that I'm more open to experimenting and really look forward to trying to develop all these songs with other musicians in the near future.

Looking Inward - Awareness

Looking out the window, it's just white. I can't even see the mountains today. It's been snowing constantly for a few days now I think, but still there's not heaps of snow on the ground - which is interesting!
It's cold, mostly below -10 degrees celsius.

When I first started reading a book called "Looking inward" from the Wat Buddha Dhamma monastery, I thought it was a tad exaggerated, probably because I'm not used to reading about buddhism (or religion in general for that matter). But then I read one chapter that really resonated with me, it was as if I read my own thoughts of late, and it made me wonder.. I guess the more time and energy we put on awareness and consciousness, the more we realise these things on our own - teachings that someone must have come up with at some point in the same manner. It's just interesting how separate beings can come to the same conclusion without having to talk to each other, especially regarding spirituality, and I guess that's what it's all about isn't it!

The chapter was called "Aware right at awareness". It's about well, exactly what it sounds like - awareness - being aware of that everything simply arises, persists until it inevitably disbands.

The author writes:

"Looking inward is special in so many ways. Whatever arises, simply stop still and look at it. Don't get excited by it. If any special intuitions arise when the mind is still, then if you'll become excited you'll get the mind worked up into a turmoil. If you become afraid that this or that will happen, that too will get you in a turmoil. So you have to stop and look, stop and know. The first thing is simply to look. The first thing is simply to know. And don't latch onto what you know - because whatever it is it's simply a phenomenon which arises and disbands, changing as part of its nature."

"If your mindfulness and discernment are constantly in charge, the truths of the arising and disbanding of mental and physical phenomena are always there for you to see, always there for you to know... All we have to do is stop and look, stop and know clearly in this way, and we'll be able to away with many kinds of suffering and stress."

Finding peace and stillness, that emptiness - that according to this book is inside all of us, is amazing. But I've also discovered that it's not all about drifting around in a huge nothingness.. Not really.

Because I felt like it

Today I had a fairly interesting day. I was alone in the office which meant amongst other things that I could play any kind of music I wanted without worrying about anyone getting annoyed - which meant playing Michael Jackson and Prince while dancing in my chair to wake up in the morning - then settling down and going into work-mode by listening to "relaxing" piano music and the soundtrack to "Amélie" (twice).

Came home, sat down with my guitar as usual (still haven't named it) and played through a couple of my latest songs. Then I realised, man, I'm hungry! And remembered we have home-made spring rolls from one of the thai restaurants! (the cook gave us a special deal ah yeah)
So with that knowing, I went down to the supermarket to buy Starbucks ice coffee for tomorrow morning. (Also popped into the second hand shop just to find the coolest beanie in the world!)

Firey smooching

This post may vary a bit from the rest, but I like sharing random memories.

So, I just remembered making out with this guy in his bed not too long ago, when suddenly the pillow caught fire because there was a candle burning on the bedside table. He quickly pulled the pillow from under my head and threw it on the floor, and since it was still kind of burning I poured tea on it - a cup also standing on the table. Then, since it was so smokey he threw the pillow out the window, then he came back to continue to make out, like nothing had happened. I think the pillow was lying there on the ground in that same place probably for a week at least after that. I guess, the funniest thing about it was how not a big deal he made out of it. I always find that with guys, especially in intimate situations, they just don't let anything be a mood breaker, and if you let it be a mood breaker, they just get annoyed.

(And while we're on this track, I've never really understood why some people think it's a turn off to laugh and have fun during sex.. It's awesome to mix in some giggles and laughs with the seriousness, like in any situation actually.)

Growing up

"Growing up means growing out of the emotional reactive patterns that were laid down in childhood. I should mention that an important part of this work is learning how to hold our emotions and reactivity in a space of kindness and understanding. 

Beyond growing up, there's a greater possibility as well—waking up. This means waking up to who we really are—that fundamental openness and warmth of the sun. It means learning to live more and more from that place, even when new clouds arise, as they will." - J.W.

Keep calm and carry own

When you in a heated discussion discover things about yourself that you didn't know existed, and how they probably came to be in the first place.

Understanding yourself more can sometimes be scary, and sad for that matter. Some realisations may not be about one's flaws or qualities, they can simply be insights into why things are the way they are, and how the past is affecting you now. Clarity can arise on certain frustrations, and why you're drawn to certain people. Sometimes it can make you feel like you're broken, but I think it's best to try to feel like it's okay, just learn from it and move on. Understand that you can't fix everything and everyone, you can only try to lead with a good example, whatever you think is good - tap into your higher knowing.

There's a sad and frustrated silence filling the apartment. I'm trying to relax. Frustrated because I feel that change is in the air, but then there are some things that are stubbornly hanging in there. Unnecessary issues which could easily be resolved but just aren't. It makes me sad because I really want them to. Even if I've grown to detach from these problems, they're still there it seems - family dramas.

I think it's hard sometimes to simply accept that people are a certain way, and that there's nothing you can do about it. There's nothing you can say that will change how they act and how they speak, the only one who can change them are they themselves. That's how I've changed, by realising things on my own and being observant of my own thoughts and behaviour and how it affects others. Awareness is the tool to self-improvement. Instead of trapping ourselves in darkness and retreat into our bubble, we need to step out into the light. Not feeling sorry for ourselves, not being stubborn, jealous and uncooperative. We need to be brave, always brave. Because we've created problems and things to be afraid of to a degree that isn't fair to anything or anyone in this world. Be someone you would be proud of, without putting pressure on yourself. Be proud of accomplishment and efforts.

Helping each other is what creates bonds between people, it connects people, caring about each others wellbeing. A warming hug, a friendly smile or even just a pat on the shoulder can go a long way. 

It's awesome to be strong, but sometimes it can be worse not to allow yourself to be a little bit weak once in a while - with emphasis on "what does it mean to be weak, and what does it mean to be strong?" We all need to cry, and vent, and feel like things will be alright. And it's our duty as intelligent sympathetic beings to support each other as well as we can, to let people know that they're not alone. We shouldn't of course let others drag us down and spend every waking hour to help someone, but in the midst of our care taking of ourselves, let there be time to take care of others as well. 

The time stopper

How precious are those moments when you just are. When you forget about time and only feel a connection with the universe. When a combination of everything occurs - creating an entire entity out of all that is, and you are one with it. What ever the sensations you might experience are, they don't seem to be separate anymore, but rather they only become a series of reactions within the entity, like muscles flexing. 

How precious are those moments. I can close my eyes and instantly be connected, be conscious, be aware. All emotions seem to fade briefly except the natural fascination, love, light and curiosity. I feel that I am me and that me is a part of absolutely everything, me becomes you and you becomes me. The focus lies on the feeling of being a part of all that I love - where I project my love as it reflects back to me. I'm a part of the scent of morning dew, the sound of birds singing in the trees and the great mysterious oceans. I'm a part of the music I hear, I'm a part of the people I love. I feel like I can go back in time and that I can see my own future and parallel lives being lived. And I feel joy and happiness and compassion. I think of the wonders that are only visible on higher levels but which still can be felt on this, and all those small sensations that really are big sensations because they make me feel alive, they make me aware of the fact that I exist. I am the participant and the observer, and that existence is precious. Moments, when time stands still. 

The time stopper is awareness. Awareness becomes the link to oneness and the ever flowing river of light and creation.

Painting by Fredric Church "The River of Light"

Enough space to be sane

Sometimes I think dreams are what keeps us sane, because they make us realize that we're not that limited, even if the space of the dream world may feel limited per se sometimes. Living in a box makes us go insane because we know our soul's breathing only works outside of the cage. So dreams - which can fill us with hope and fear - above all else they make our lives so much bigger - endless. It can seem it's our own divinity we connect to when our bodies are resting, allowing us to travel to a space where anything is possible. Meanwhile our waking hours may not be as encouraging and spacious. But with the possibilities that dreams give us, every night we have an opportunity to fuel ourselves with the type of energy we need for the coming day.

A couple of weeks back I dreamt that I was standing on a staircase looking up at the night sky. In the sky there was a giant whale swimming around as if it was the ocean, and its outlines were glowing like starlight (very similar to the picture above). It was quite the image, and that image gives me courage still, and comforts me on dark days when hope is scarce and fear is present. I don't know what that whale was or what the dream meant but it made me feel loved and looked after. Dreams about whales seems to be reoccurring for me lately.

Excursion Time

Finally home after a long day, I'm excruciatingly tired so let's see how writing goes.. It's been snowing on and off, casually bbq:ed some whale and salmon on a boat next to an enormous glacier, I've visited a small russian settlement further south and on the way back I meditated next to the fire barrel on deck with a cup of tea, looking out over 

the vast snowy mountain desert and ocean (before I got a little bit nauseous). And I must say I've really appreciated mum's goose down coat today..

So the settlement I visited was called Barentsburg, it has about 500 citizens - more or less depending on the season. It's a very small mining community where the majority of people are russian and the russian culture is very noticeable in all the amazing artwork on the houses. There's a small chapel, there's a school, supermarket and sports center, library, museum, pig farm, hotel and various other buildings where people live etc, and of course there's the mine. It's quite amazing - and I was taken by this - it took us about two and a half hours by boat from Longyearbyen to reach this settlement and when we arrived I thought things looked pretty much the same as the place we left, nature and the majority of the buildings and the ongoing activities, but there were these small things that were so very different, so fascinating, and it really felt like you were in russia all of the sudden. It doesn't perhaps sound heaps cool but it was amazing! Especially since it was so small and like Longyearbyen - isolated in this rough arctic landscape, they only had ONE helicopter for transportation to civilization. People live a very impressive and unusual life.

I'm beginning to feel the small town vibes, it's so nice and interesting to get to know people here, it's a different mentality. Being cut off some how from the rest of the world - set in a somewhat unavailable  location, it changes people (to the better). I've never felt intimidated by anyone or scared going out in the middle of the night, because I guess up here you're so vulnerable it creates a new way of thinking and acting, it creates a trust and bond between people, knowing that solidarity is the only way to survive and be happy. 

There are a few different types of people who choose to come and live here; people looking for adventure, people wanting peace and quiet, community people or maybe just people who simply love nature. But yeah, most people only come to make money of course. (- to start with anyway, and then they fall in love with this place and stick around for years. I probably won't be one of those people though. Not that I'm not totally amazed by this place, because I am, but I just know that I'm at my best/the most happy when living in a warm climate - long term.)

Something I've thought about today; Everyone has history, we all know this. But everyone also has stories, myths and legends. What are yours?

Moments of today

Just getting home from first day at new job, naturally putting on my pyjamas and pretending I know how to tap dance irish style while listening to irish music. 

Also I made about a hundred alaskan husky friends today, man I love animals! Especially dogs.

Keeping a good diet

(The blue packages are oat milk,
and the yellow tube - believe it or not
- is mackerel in tomato sauce!
The rest is pretty obvious, I think)

Who knew eating healthy would be possible in the arctic! I am so grateful! 

- In contrast with the very meaty dinner I had yesterday consisting of reindeer, whale, seal and white grouse. It was very interesting though, I like to try new things food-wise. 

Well, I like food in general (!) 

The ways of nature

Not too long ago a light of creation could be felt inside of me, a light that wasn't welcome but that I couldn't help but to strangely love unconditionally. It lit up a space in my heart but then swiftly went out, like a delicate flame in the wind. I promised I would always remember that light. 

It's white out there

Where I was born, I was born in winter. I was always jealous of my friends who were born in summer, who could have strawberry birthday cakes (this is a big deal okay, I love strawberries) and be out playing in the sun and go swimming and whatnot at their birthday parties. On my birthday I was basically trapped inside the house because of the snow and ice - or sometimes slush because it was melting.. I guess there were good parts though, you could go skiing or ice skating, building snow forts and stuff like that - if you were lucky with the weather of course. Although in general I just hated it, I hated the cold. 

But right here right now, I feel a refreshing appreciation for it. I can really feel that I am a winter-child and have a connection with it, not in a way that makes me like it more necessarily, but it's there. Looking out over the mountains that are covered in snow with white clouds hovering above them, I just feel like, it's so beautiful, so serene! It's probably what you'd imagine heaven could look like - visually very satisfying - one of the most beautiful views there is in this world! I dearly love colours, psychologically colours make me feel better, but there's something special about when the world is just white, because, white is all the colours gathered - it's the light before it passes through the prism. It's something mysterious and magical, just like these gorgeous mountains, and combined… Stunning, just stunning. (And the fresh air is not too shabby either hah!)

Eventually, going back to summer land will be amazing - to say the least - and when that day comes, I'll know a completely new meaning of winter. The seasons of this world will continue to amaze me! NATURE will continue to amaze me. It's all magic I say. 

:)

You read it, you can't unread it

"I wanna know what it would be like if I were a human, being a robot is great! but we don't have emotions and sometimes that makes me sad" - Bender, Futurama

I'm writing this because I just wanted to put a little friendly reminder out there, seeing that there are so many people I encounter who makes me think of these issues, and feels this way. So many people.. seriously.

So.. Starting with some simple questions..

How can you expect or want anyone to care about you on a certain level, if you don't care about them on that same level? How can you expect anyone to give you services if you're not willing to return them on that same level? You might say "I don't expect that", you might say that you don't expect anything from anyone. But a truth is, that with every little dream or vision comes a possible expectation or hope for an expectation. With every need comes an expectation or hope for an expectation, a hope that we CAN expect something from someone - anyone - and that they can expect something of you. We want to fulfill each others lives. We want our own lives to be fulfilled, not just by things, but by people being in our lives. Being cared for, but also caring for others and taking care of oneself. We want to make someone beside ourselves happy, make things better, because otherwise, let's face it - we're wasting our time. The spark of life is love, the light is love. That's why being abandoned is one of the worst traumas in life because we feel like we've failed as people - as those beings suppose to belong to a group. Being left behind or pushed away makes you feel like you're not important, like you're not worth anything to anyone, and as these beings that we are, we have a need to feel needed by the group, this includes a partner, or perhaps most importantly a partner - which would then be the most intimate group. Suddenly you feel very replaceable. Being traumatized in this way changes your entire outlook on life.

It would be silly to believe that we don't need anyone but ourselves. When the people we feel are helping us the most/enriching our lives the most, are leaving us for a while, it's natural to want someone else to fill that spot in their absence. But it's not really possible because everyone is unique and will inevitably play different parts/roles. To say that people are replaceable and that you know you are too, that is giving up on self worth and the worth of others. That is giving up on letting someone truly mean something to you on another than just a temporary level. Because different people can have the same function in your life for sure, but it is not about function - it's not just about "service". It's about mutual trust, care AND service. 

But in contrast to this, one mustn't ever forget that you're the only one you truly have and will always have. So the most important thing to do becomes to take care of yourself and keep moving forward. You might not realize but you have much to be proud of and you will keep making yourself proud, by caring for yourself and never stop trying to make yourself happy. You can heal the world by starting with healing yourself. When you notice a problem inside of you that you can't solve on your own it's easy to feel like you don't function properly, but this is not the case - of course! We can try, but we can't solve absolutely everything on our own, and not being able to solve things on our own doesn't mean we're failures at human experiences, it only means that we're having human experiences (not that you should ever use that as an excuse though, careful now). 

We're all scared, it's the human condition. It's hard to plan things in a world of chaos, it's hard to feel completely free in a society where everything revolves around money. I've always hated money - hated the system and norms. I don't think many people feel like they even belong in it. But it's like people don't want change, TO change, change is scary to them, because you don't know what could happen, right? And we need to feel like we have things under control, and know what to expect. But change is what this world is all about, that's how we move forward - evolution - it's how we grow. So even if you're scared now, know that it's necessary and that you will benefit from it - it will throw you on a path that will lead you home. 

Because all roads lead home in the end. 

When you have the courage to let yourself make someone happy, and simultaneously let them make you happy, you'd be surprised how easy life can be and how naturally things will fall into place. But it takes courage, it really does. Because if it's not change we're scared of, it's being hurt, not being good enough, and again - abandonment.