You read it, you can't unread it

"I wanna know what it would be like if I were a human, being a robot is great! but we don't have emotions and sometimes that makes me sad" - Bender, Futurama

I'm writing this because I just wanted to put a little friendly reminder out there, seeing that there are so many people I encounter who makes me think of these issues, and feels this way. So many people.. seriously.

So.. Starting with some simple questions..

How can you expect or want anyone to care about you on a certain level, if you don't care about them on that same level? How can you expect anyone to give you services if you're not willing to return them on that same level? You might say "I don't expect that", you might say that you don't expect anything from anyone. But a truth is, that with every little dream or vision comes a possible expectation or hope for an expectation. With every need comes an expectation or hope for an expectation, a hope that we CAN expect something from someone - anyone - and that they can expect something of you. We want to fulfill each others lives. We want our own lives to be fulfilled, not just by things, but by people being in our lives. Being cared for, but also caring for others and taking care of oneself. We want to make someone beside ourselves happy, make things better, because otherwise, let's face it - we're wasting our time. The spark of life is love, the light is love. That's why being abandoned is one of the worst traumas in life because we feel like we've failed as people - as those beings suppose to belong to a group. Being left behind or pushed away makes you feel like you're not important, like you're not worth anything to anyone, and as these beings that we are, we have a need to feel needed by the group, this includes a partner, or perhaps most importantly a partner - which would then be the most intimate group. Suddenly you feel very replaceable. Being traumatized in this way changes your entire outlook on life.

It would be silly to believe that we don't need anyone but ourselves. When the people we feel are helping us the most/enriching our lives the most, are leaving us for a while, it's natural to want someone else to fill that spot in their absence. But it's not really possible because everyone is unique and will inevitably play different parts/roles. To say that people are replaceable and that you know you are too, that is giving up on self worth and the worth of others. That is giving up on letting someone truly mean something to you on another than just a temporary level. Because different people can have the same function in your life for sure, but it is not about function - it's not just about "service". It's about mutual trust, care AND service. 

But in contrast to this, one mustn't ever forget that you're the only one you truly have and will always have. So the most important thing to do becomes to take care of yourself and keep moving forward. You might not realize but you have much to be proud of and you will keep making yourself proud, by caring for yourself and never stop trying to make yourself happy. You can heal the world by starting with healing yourself. When you notice a problem inside of you that you can't solve on your own it's easy to feel like you don't function properly, but this is not the case - of course! We can try, but we can't solve absolutely everything on our own, and not being able to solve things on our own doesn't mean we're failures at human experiences, it only means that we're having human experiences (not that you should ever use that as an excuse though, careful now). 

We're all scared, it's the human condition. It's hard to plan things in a world of chaos, it's hard to feel completely free in a society where everything revolves around money. I've always hated money - hated the system and norms. I don't think many people feel like they even belong in it. But it's like people don't want change, TO change, change is scary to them, because you don't know what could happen, right? And we need to feel like we have things under control, and know what to expect. But change is what this world is all about, that's how we move forward - evolution - it's how we grow. So even if you're scared now, know that it's necessary and that you will benefit from it - it will throw you on a path that will lead you home. 

Because all roads lead home in the end. 

When you have the courage to let yourself make someone happy, and simultaneously let them make you happy, you'd be surprised how easy life can be and how naturally things will fall into place. But it takes courage, it really does. Because if it's not change we're scared of, it's being hurt, not being good enough, and again - abandonment. 

Making up for lost sleep

This morning I had an odd feeling that I was suppose to keep sleeping for a while longer. Not like, oh I'm so tired - sure would be nice to sleep in a little, but rather it was like this peaceful feeling came over me. I was already sleep deprived so I knew sleeping a bit longer would be good for my health, but it was also like something was there telling me to go back to sleep. So I did anyway and it was amazing. I don't know what happened except I had all these awesome dreams that really made up for things that has happened the past couple of weeks. Really cool experiences. Not like surreal supernatural ones, well, to a degree, but they were just dreams that had a little bit of everything: action/fighting, warmth, family and friends, ocean, a sense of safety and peace, magic and mystery.. It was really cool. When I woke up I felt strangely satisfied!

I feel like I've really been in touch with my subconscious lately, it's been interesting, and good. 

A safe climb, life analogy

This is one of the follow-ups to the "Happiness" post, elaborating why I think you can feel safe by trusting yourself. 

As I'm climbing up the mountain I suddenly become aware of the fact that I'm not only making my way up there, I'm also walking on an already finished path. I'm walking on someone else's path. A path not only one but many people have chosen to walk on before me, and there will be more coming after me. The goal for most people is to reach the top of the mountain, and to reach the top we've chosen to walk on the same path as others before us, literally. 

Continuing my journey, every now and then I make a shortcut and the closer to the top I get the fainter the path becomes and I have to start climbing on the rocks, there's now no given path. I forget about the path, I only have the top of the mountain in mind. 

When I reach the top and look back down I discover two different paths I could have taken, one of which I choose to take on my way back down. But I realize none of these paths would have helped me on my way up because the mountain wall was just as steep, the stones just as slippery, as where I made my own path, perhaps even worse - some parts of these paths were so worn down they actually became harder to walk on because there was no grip left.  

Every now and then during my climb, making my own path was the better option because it was more safe, because I then thought for myself instead of following someone else's thoughts by walking their path. Making my own path - trusting my own judgement and ability made me feel more safe, and actually being more safe.

The wonders of headphones

Up until yesterday it had been a very long time since I listened to music on my iPod while walking outside. Which is weird, because I listen to music every day, and pretty much with everything I'm doing.. But not walking then I guess.. It might be because of this slight obsession I have with nature sounds come to think of it, it's so grounding, and I like to hear what's going on around me when I'm outside. But anyway, it was funny because it really took me back to the days of high school, I used to walk to school in all kinds of weather, holding on to my mp3 player like a gold nugget. The thing is, listening to music through headphones creates a different atmosphere than listening through speakers (obviously), suddenly it's like your life has a soundtrack - it's amazing! It's so inspiring and motivating (depending on the song of course). I can't believe I've neglected this way of listening to music for so long.

Today has been a Jack Johnson day - No good with faces

Ready for life

Being ready for whatever you're facing is like saying being ready for life, and you can never be more ready for life than what you are now - because life happens every day. There's no way you can brace yourself for what's coming, because you don't know what's coming. Right now the most important thing is to be grateful for what you got, to be aware of the things that make you a lucky human being. Things can always be worse, but in a way "the now" will always be neutral without a comparison, without the description of perception, you're simply in a situation.

Missing play time

Not so long ago,
on the other side of the world.

Decisions

When I was young I wanted to become a biologist, archeologist, photographer, actress, engineer and inventor, medicine woman and have my own alternative pharmacy, massage therapist. I've wanted to become an architect and designer, tattoo artist, martial artist, cook, have my own café and/or juice/smoothie bar etc. There's so many things I've wanted to become, and do, so many occupations I've been interested in.  

These past few years it's almost been like I'm waiting for the world to choose for me, just waiting and see what happens. But I have a feeling nothing will really happen because as it is now, a decision hasn't been made, and if a decision hasn't been made, the universe will have a problem trying to re-arrange itself for anything to happen. Why do I have to choose one may ask? - Trying to think outside of the box and all. Well, there's an enormous power in decisions, that's all I know. When you decide upon something - it could be anything - that's when things happen. And deciding upon an occupation could be like finding purpose with ones life. Because to me, an occupation should be a lot more about having fun and be happy than earning money - but that's the bonus. It's not that I'm not happy, I actually am, I'm enjoying all sides of life and know that I'm doing what I can to make myself happy, and hopefully making someone else happy simultaneously. It could be easy drifting around all life and just take every day as it comes. I still can't plan more than a month ahead which has become quite funny, because it's nothing I do deliberately. But I feel making another decision in life would be nice right now, I feel that could be my next chapter, modifying the purpose and meaning of my life. Adding things, letting go of other things.

The best part is I know I can still be interested in all those other things, and I probably will give not only one of them a go, but decisions have to be made sooner or later. I'm starting off by doing some research - since I believe that what you'll enjoy researching about the most could be a sign of what you'd be able to do long term as well.

Mid-night snack

Maybe not the best looking sandwiches,
especially not since the onions look like
some kind of worms, but still.

Newly baked rye and spelt bread with dijon mustard, tomatoes, fresh garlic, fried onions, kale, garlic/chili oil and salt, topped with fried sausages. (Also made banana bread earlier so that'll be like.. dessert) It's funny what not living collectively can do to your cooking (Although, I still eat rice w salt and garlic oil fairly often because it's super yum!) I think in my case being a lazy cook is connected to living situation. If living with a bunch of other people, it's sooo much easier to just kick back and let someone else do it, because let's face it, it's always nicer being cooked for. But when you live by yourself or maybe just with another person, you don't really have much of a choice, especially not if you appreciate good food. 

So lately, I've just had this never-ending food inspiration, and even though I've always been one of those people who think about breakfast before even going to bed, it's a nice change to actually feel inspired to make it myself as well. Mornings are tricky though. I've heard a few times from people that they think I'm a person who would feel really good having nice and steady routines, but honestly, I've tried that and I think I can go about a week with things being all good, but then slowly yet predictably, the schedule is mixed again. Frankly I like it that way, and I call it: "being flexible". As long as I keep up with exercise and whatever makes me happy - I'll be fine.

Speaking of nothing, I really wish I had one of those drinking coconuts in my hand right now. 

Awe

I'm having an amazing time accepting the things that are coming my way, and appreciating the many opportunities of learning and growing. Even if I now and then feel scared about being in a place that's so far away from the things I'm used to, I'm also in awe of how otherworldly this place is. When I was younger my one and only goal in life was to see the world I lived in - to know all of nature. Well, it seems my childhood dreams are coming truer with every year. 

- Going out on adventures is fun, and really what keeps me going. But in all honesty I'm also looking forward to building a home somewhere where adventures will come to me.

This place can be intimidating. I'm so far north like, sure, I live by the ocean - the arctic ocean. In the middle of the icy wilderness - dying here would be easy. There's barely any life, barely anything to connect to, except earth and the ancient wise rocks! Sometimes I imagine this could be what it would be like being on another planet. When you gaze out over the water, the mountains and glaciers, you know that that's all there is out there. It's such a peaceful feeling and yet I feel like I'm an intruder in this amazing landscape, like I'm not suppose to be here. (Which I guess in a way isn't so weird considering humans wouldn't be able to survive up here in a natural order). Moving the smallest stone feels wrong, like I'm changing things I shouldn't. And I can't help but to wonder, what is this place? I'm not familiar with the energies here, which makes it all so much more interesting. Being here makes me fully understand that the world doesn't need anyone, it doesn't care about who dies or not, it still continues on like normal, dusk and dawn.

I can hear the huskies howling from afar, and the moon is hanging like a jewel in the sky. I feel lucky for having this experience, especially in these times. Who knows what this place will look like in twenty years, with the climate changes and all.

About relationships in short

I just re-read some of John Welwood's work and thought it would be nice to share some of the things that caught my intention this time around. I remember first reading this over a year ago and it was very interesting and inspiring, not only because of the situation I was in back then but all in all I can relate to it. I'm not going to say anything more about it, just let these quotes speak for themselves:

"Sometimes it seems that relationships almost want to resist consciousness. After all, they've been unconscious for thousands of years, governed and guided by roles, by social and family traditions, and always supported and rationalized in that context. But that framework hardly exists in our culture anymore. Because there are few external supports and guidelines for relationships today, each of us to figure out how to go about having sane, healthy, alive relationships. This means bringing consciousness to something that has been in the dark for thousands of years.

For thousands of years relationships have been like that—love in the dark, basically. And now we're lighting a candle to see, "Well, what are they about? What's going on here?" And to do that actually involves tremendous trials. To bring consciousness to an area that has never been conscious before is extremely challenging. It's a heroic journey.
A conscious relationship in my view is one that puts you completely to the test as a human being. It involves becoming clear about what we are doing with another person and what that requires of us."

"The problem with running away when a relationship becomes difficult is that it’s also turning away from ourselves and our potential breakthroughs. Fleeing the raw, wounded places in ourselves because we don't think we can handle them is a form of self-rejection and self- abandonment that turns our feeling body into an abandoned, haunted house. The more we flee our shadowy places, the more they fester in the dark, and the more haunted this house becomes. And the more haunted it becomes, the more it terrifies us. This is a vicious circle that keeps us cut off from and afraid of ourselves.

The other distortion is to make relationship into something familiar and totally safe, to treat it as a finished product, rather than a living process. This is the security trap. When we try to make a relationship serve our needs for security, we lose a sense of greater vision and adventure. Relationship becomes a business deal, or else totally monotonous. A life devoted to everyday routines and security concerns eventually becomes too stale and predictable to satisfy the deeper longings of the heart.

Neither of these approaches leads very far or provides a path. The illusion of heavenly bliss may allow us to ascend for a while, until we finally crash when the relationship inevitably comes back down to earth. The illusion of security keeps us glued to the earth, so that we never venture to reach beyond ourselves at all."

John Welwood is "a psychotherapist, teacher, and author, and has been a pioneer in integrating psychological and spiritual work for the past thirty years".

(I'll probably quote him more in future posts.)

Setting the whole thing of creating your own happiness etc aside - which is something I believe in too, not saying that this is even separate from that actually, but just to make it clear - I think this is something that people should be thinking more about because society is basically a clump of different kinds of relationships. There's no way anyone can avoid relationships of various kinds, so they are an important part of our world and trying to make the best out of them I reckon is one of the better things we can do in our human experience. I'm not only talking about partnership, but friendship and family, business relationships, you name it.

Cold but inspiring

Just looked out the window and noticed there's snow on the ground (!) Yesterday was a very cold day in comparison to what I'm used to starting probably two years back. Below zero.. At this point I'm realising I will need to get a new jacket. Usually I can go fairly long being stubborn and defying all kinds of things, but "you know it's cold when you start fantasizing about putting more clothes on". Someone told me the other day that the sun sets 20 minutes earlier every day now so it won't take more than a couple of weeks before it gets dark up here. I'm not sure if this is anything anyone can ever brace themselves for. I mean, there won't even be a couple of hours of sunlight, no sun at all.. For a few months.. It'll be like living on the dark side of the moon (!)
I better hit those mountains while I still can see where I put my feet!

Mina Bolognese

So me and my sister just pulled this really funny prank on our mum. We were talking about me changing my surname and started spitballing ideas, the more we did this the uglier the names got and sooner or later made no sense what so ever, because that's just how we operate. When it eventually came down to "Mina Bolognese"* we couldn't stop laughing for quite a while, I mean who would seriously.. ? Anyway, as it was so funny to us, a challenge was born - to make someone believe I really changed my name to that. We thought, who's the most gullible person we know and my sister goes "Mum. C'mon we have to do this", and so we did. We both texted her and told her the strange news (- my sister acting upset about it for it to sound more credible). I even changed my name on facebook for a while. I got a text from my mum later saying stuff like "I don't understand, you don't even like meat", but after a while she started to get more upset because she's now accepted it and goes "Well I hope you understand that your passport isn't valid anymore then!" (- because I'm not in my home country right now this would be a big deal) At this point I started to feel like I didn't want to play with her nerves anymore so I told her the truth, feeling a bit bad about the whole thing (yet still laughing). Like, why would I change my name to Bolognese?

*(the original name suggestion was even spaghetti bolognese, but not even mum would have bought that)

Usually I'm so bad at pranks, seriously, I can't lie to people. But my sister, she can get really.. determined. Which is funny. She's awesome.  

And I love my mum, she's amazing! Aaand she's used to us being like this so it's okay.

I can't help but to wonder though, who is this Mina Bolognese and what would she be like? 

Missing the action

Just watched this movie and let me say, I feel hungry - for a lot of things. Endangered animals not being one of them.

This kind of excitement makes me clench my fists - in a good way.

"Life is hard"

When we grow up we are told by adults that life is hard. It makes us believe that life really is hard, maybe even that it SHOULD be hard. We think we have to learn the hard way and therefor don't really question when it is hard, we only accept it because it's what we've been prepared for. We go through life prepared for hard times and tough life lessons. "No one said it would be easy", you hear this quite often. But what if it would be the other way around, what if life actually is easy and by hearing it's not we're only creating problems that aren't really there. Maybe our entire society is just based on layers and layers of problems that we created ourselves, it's actually highly probable. 

Happiness

I think a big portion of joy in life comes from how safe and comfortable you feel around other people.. To be able to be a weirdo (- that weirdo you know you are when you're by yourself). But also I think feeling safe comes from trusting your own judgement and ability. Make your own path every now and then and for goodness sake, relax, you're just as weird as the next person. Forget about the norms, they're not real when it comes to joy, the only thing that's real when it comes to joy is truth, the freedom in and of truth.