A new adventure

As much as I hate to complain, the past few weeks have been a little like a taste of hell. Nausea, fatigue and life changing decisions. Not to mention disturbingly long travels. It seems time has moved rather quickly though, from a month ago being in Australia, to being in New Zealand, to now being in Sweden, staying in a small cottage next to a lake. Yesterday I got a glimpse of heaven again when I smelt the amazing summer evening dew. It brought back wonderful memories and filled me with a longing I haven't felt in quite a while..

Something strange happens when you stop everything you're doing and just observe and feel the world around you. You may realise that all your decisions in life aren't really that big after all. In the greater sense, we're mere human beings, trying to make our existence meaningful and enjoyable, however we go about it. When I stop to breathe, when I stop to feel my being breathing, human life as we live it today disappears. In fact none of it seems real.

I've found myself in a situation when just observing isn't good enough anymore. I'm forced to leave my humble watch tower to participate - take part in something that is quite abstract, yet so natural and such a profound part of every beings's existence. I wonder why I find it so scary. Scary but beautiful. I wonder if there will be a way for me to continue on my own journey as an observer, whilst teaching another being the ways of life as a participant. I'm happy to be given this chance though,  to live fully, to understand this world fully. And so a new adventure begins.

Last weekend in Australia

I feel a bit dejected and discouraged, I'm not going to lie. The past few weeks have been hard, in many ways. Looking forward I have a big journey ahead of me, many new places and faces, but I have no idea where I will be. I'm writing this on a saturday night, through sneezing and snivelling. Once again I'm home alone, involuntarily, lying in my bed with the heater on, trying to make myself comfortable. But all I think of is this feeling of resignation sending chills down my spine - I've literarily been getting goosebumps through out the day.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm creating problems that aren't really there. This apathy and dissatisfaction must come from somewhere, but maybe I'm just projecting it myself. Just a few months ago I wasn't really worried about anything, I felt so calm and okay with things, and my future looked bright, it still does, but for some reason I'm experiencing a kind of lost feeling. Not knowing where I am or what I'm doing, why I choose to do the things I do and say the things I say. Actually most of the time I don't know what to say. I'm quite content with staying silent although there's millions of things I'd love for people to hear, and although I have a need to explain things, or enquire about things. I remember when I was a kid, I used to get upset a lot, especially with my mum, and she would try to figure out what was wrong, but I just wouldn't say anything, while feeling stupid knowing that my silence would only provoke and make things worse. But I just didn't know exactly why I was upset sometimes, or simply wasn't able to express what I was feeling. It all just came out in tears and screams. For some reason it feels like I'm back in that state of mind again, after all these years. Despite all my experience and usual certainty about my own feelings, I just can't pinpoint what it is that puts me in this spot at the moment. I feel like I just need a break - a vacation. Not having to talk, or be provoked, because I'm honestly exhausted.

I don't feel comfortable. There are tons of factors of course, but I think the main one is just not feeling heard, or considered, even though I'm showered with love. Such a weird thing, ridiculous really, because I'm so grateful for everything I have and everyone in my life who makes it richer and more beautiful. I feel such warmth for all of them and every living being in nature surrounding me. Yet I don't feel comfortable. My situation is.. Weird, at the moment. I think that's all I have to say.

And now for figuring out how to move forward from here..

Communicating without words

The past year has been interesting. I've been having all these weird feelings and thoughts that seem to be from an outsider's perspective - an observer's perspective. And it hasn't been to a degree that's common to me, no, it seems it has completely consumed me somehow. It's like I see the world through the eyes of an alien, and I'm intrigued by the most fundamental things in our world, like, communication and language for example. Isn't it just amazing how we communicate through words and sounds? And how easy we can understand each other even when we don't speak the same language? I said something as simple as "thank you" to my colleague a moment ago and started giggling to myself afterwards because the sound of it was so fascinating, the way I knew what to say and the fact that she understood me and that we were so receptive to that kind of communication. It was just so funny to me, and exciting, and I don't really know why.
For a few years now, I've been wanting to get to know people without talking (though people are awfully reluctant to try this, believe it or not). Last year I had a thought about how nice it would be to go on a first date with someone and not speak to each other. Just do something fun together and see how we both react and act in certain situations, read facial expressions and use body language, but above all else connect.

I don't know why, but oral comunication just feels so foreign to me all of the sudden, or perhaps outdated..? I often loose words and I'm grateful when someone finish my sentences (which is funny because most people get annoyed when others do this) But I think it's fascinating because lately when people have done this, they finish the sentences exactly how I thought about finishing them in the first place, which is a small proof to me that on a certain other level, we are already communicating - non-verbally/orally.

I love to sing, well of course I do, otherwise I wouldn't be a singer songwriter, but I've noticed that what I really feel like doing, is to not put words together with the sounds I make. It's like Lisa Gerrard and similar artists. What I'm singing has meaning, purpose and a message, but it's not about words, rather it's about the way I sing.

Whenever I hear someone sing I feel like singing too, and whenever I sing I feel so alive, and my heart and solar plexus chakras expand so much it feels like my chest and stomach is going to explode. It's an excitement and joy I can't quite describe (obviously, I don't want my heart and stomach to explode, but you know what I mean). Same with dancing.

Somewhere along the line we started using words - naming things - so that it would become easier to communicate, but that's just it. Words are tools in communication, not the essence of it. I think people forget that sometimes. Actions play a much bigger role - the leading role actually, and words are just the supporting characters that binds it all together and complete the story.

It's quite possible to communicate without words.

I've always been a person who has felt like she has a lot to say, but suddenly I find myself in a space where words aren't that important anymore, instead I just feel like doing - a lot actually! It seems that much (not all of course) of what I want to share, can be communicated in some other way, on a new level.

It's getting late, let's talk

I'm not sure why people have this tendency of wanting to start a long, emotional and complex conversation in the middle of the night. It always ends with both of you incredibly tired, hungry and most commonly discouranged. It's a time when we are suppose to sleep which puts our minds and bodies in a different state, a state that perhaps is just a little bit more vulnerable and sensitive. I think it's common knowledge. Let's speculate around this; During this time something happens, we start to think and digest things, just as our bodies begin to process the activities of the day and gradually putting itself into rest mode. If there's something we've been holding in during the day, it will most likely want to be expressed now, maybe because we subconsciously want to finish off and get closure in all areas before we go to sleep, and not drag our emotional upsets with us to the next day.

Even if this would be the case and there's not really any bad intentions involved - you just want to clear things up so that you can get a good night sleep, maybe if you hold things in you'll end up thinking about it all night and get annoyed, twisting and turning in bed - As we lay there, there's not really much else to do than think about things and try to relax. But when there's feelings and thoughts involved that make you uneasy, relaxing is hard, and sleeping is harder. So maybe your instinct is to try to get rid of it in a way you think would help, only, I bet you don't think talking to someone at this stage wouldn't be a wise idea considering the previous noted aspects.

We are tired. We are extra vulnerable. We don't have enough energy to deal with things we otherwise probably could.

This late hour is an interesting one, it's a time of the day that should be treated as sacred and people should act according to how they actually feel - taking into consideration that we're actually tired and sensitive, and the best thing we can do is to relax and calm down from the stressful day we just left behind us - not deal with dramas (that would be for the next stressful day to sort out). We owe it to ourseleves to at least try not to talk about things that might be upsetting at night because it puts us in imbalance, and most of the time it takes hours and hours to work things out, and to choose the hours we're suppose to sleep to do this is just not very intelligent. Specifically it doesn't benefit us all that much the next day when we're excruciatingly tired and can't think clearly (- thus a bad circle, seeing that a sluggish mind will most likely create even more problems).

I think Tom Bombadil (well, JRR Tolkien) deliver this quite well;

"Some things are ill to hear when the world's in shadow."

So how do we fix this? We all know it's easier said than done, and not only because during the day most people are unavailable to talk. Well, maybe the best way to solve this would be to avoid the "piling" of negative emotions. By using an arising and disbanding technique, meaning, acknowledging when an issue is arising and then letting it disband by addressing it right then and there. Sometimes you don't even need to talk about certain issues that arise in order for them to disband, sometimes it's enough to just let the other person know your reaction. The key to most situations is to open the honesty door. When you've opened the honesty door you're suddenly invited to step into a room called "perspective", and as we all know, perspective is only the antechamber to the room you really want to be in, - understanding. (I'm not sure why I'm painting a picture of a house trying to explain this.)

Surprising to no one, trying to solve issues and work through emotional upsets in the middle of the night is only energy draining and should be prevented and avoided as much as possible. But when these talks do happen, it's also important to be understanding to why they're actually happening then and there, and not sooner, more timely. Being timely can be tricky, because we're taught that there's a time and place for everything, and placing these conversations is hard. However, the main guideline is: Not in the middle of the night.

THE END OF THE WORLD

I should have know when I read the title "Apocalypse How", that it would be too much even for me. "Apocalypse? - How??" I couldn't take it seriously. Not only because all the scientists involved in this documentary were all from the same country (- which wouldn't necessarily equal a broad view on things), but also because I've done research about the ways they presented humanity could end, and I know a bit more about it than what they let you in on here, and my conclusion is that this documentary is just fear propaganda, i.e. not very helpful, nor insightful. The constant repeat of the word "eventually" made me, eventually, laugh. Because putting fear in people with what may or may not happen in 60 000 years is pretty funny.

Of course some apocalypse will happen eventually. But nevertheless, an apocalypse doesn't necessarily mean the end of the world, even if it's what the word would indicate, the dictionary even suggests it could mean "revelation". It could mean "change", and people would have to change. Our way of life would have to change, and sooner rather than later. People would die yes, and people would have to fight for survival, but hey, isn't that something we're already doing? Yes, yes it is. See the only difference would be the way we try to stay alive, and that's just evolution - whether it's a sociological, ecological or biological one.

There are so many ways the world could "end". Let's stop and look at that briefly. Not by watching this   documentary that only scares and - to a certain degree - misleads people, but let's look at what we already know, and what's going on around us in this moment. Let's speculate how things could be. How would we want things to be? Consider how this planet as the celestial body it is, actually works. Keep that in mind, and then continue speculating. If you don't know how this planet works, but only know how the human society works, then do some research, learn about your home planet. Learn about all the other beings living here. Because you have to understand, this planet is home to so much more than humans, and it has super vast areas of land and oceans where we haven't built societies, and we never will, because we can't, and that's a good thing, because we don't own this planet. We only live here.

Please learn about your home planet, you will feel so much better afterwards, believe me. You will feel more in tune and connected because suddenly you have a wider understanding for your surroundings.

Don't be scared or worried about the eventual "end of the world". Instead, be scared and worried about how you're living your life when you take into consideration how your home is actually evolving.

Yes, things are changing. Certain things have passed, and more things will pass, and leave space for us to build something new and better. That's all I see, I hope you do too. And, as soon as you tune in with the planet, you will know what that "new and better" means, it probably won't be what you first thought. And maybe something will happen in the future which will make our planet uninhabitable to us humans, we just don't know at the moment, we just know a lot of could:s.

Scientists have done an amazing job figuring things out about our world, but all they can do is tell you what they've discovered. It's then up to you what to do with that knowledge. And apart from what they teach you, you in turn have things to teach the world. You have responsibilities just like everyone else. JUST like everyone else. (Think about that the next time you do.. Well, anything! Anything from quickly contemplating whether or not to toss that candy wrap in the street, to smoking a cigarette in someone's face or scaring a helpless and funny-looking animal)

Make time to connect with your legacy, you will discover it's worth saving, and honestly, why should anyone even have to tell you that, right? You already know. It's okay to feel like you don't belong here, or don't want to be here, but let that disconnection create compassion for someone else's world then, instead of creating neglect. Because even if it's not important to you, that doesn't mean it's not important to someone else.