Last weekend in Australia

I feel a bit dejected and discouraged, I'm not going to lie. The past few weeks have been hard, in many ways. Looking forward I have a big journey ahead of me, many new places and faces, but I have no idea where I will be. I'm writing this on a saturday night, through sneezing and snivelling. Once again I'm home alone, involuntarily, lying in my bed with the heater on, trying to make myself comfortable. But all I think of is this feeling of resignation sending chills down my spine - I've literarily been getting goosebumps through out the day.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm creating problems that aren't really there. This apathy and dissatisfaction must come from somewhere, but maybe I'm just projecting it myself. Just a few months ago I wasn't really worried about anything, I felt so calm and okay with things, and my future looked bright, it still does, but for some reason I'm experiencing a kind of lost feeling. Not knowing where I am or what I'm doing, why I choose to do the things I do and say the things I say. Actually most of the time I don't know what to say. I'm quite content with staying silent although there's millions of things I'd love for people to hear, and although I have a need to explain things, or enquire about things. I remember when I was a kid, I used to get upset a lot, especially with my mum, and she would try to figure out what was wrong, but I just wouldn't say anything, while feeling stupid knowing that my silence would only provoke and make things worse. But I just didn't know exactly why I was upset sometimes, or simply wasn't able to express what I was feeling. It all just came out in tears and screams. For some reason it feels like I'm back in that state of mind again, after all these years. Despite all my experience and usual certainty about my own feelings, I just can't pinpoint what it is that puts me in this spot at the moment. I feel like I just need a break - a vacation. Not having to talk, or be provoked, because I'm honestly exhausted.

I don't feel comfortable. There are tons of factors of course, but I think the main one is just not feeling heard, or considered, even though I'm showered with love. Such a weird thing, ridiculous really, because I'm so grateful for everything I have and everyone in my life who makes it richer and more beautiful. I feel such warmth for all of them and every living being in nature surrounding me. Yet I don't feel comfortable. My situation is.. Weird, at the moment. I think that's all I have to say.

And now for figuring out how to move forward from here..