An Ascension

For those of you who haven't heard my song An Ascension, you can listen to it here.

The recording isn't great, but I just like to get my music out there for anyone who wants to listen.

I wrote An Ascension about a year ago, I was travelling alone and had recentely been fairly traumatized by events I'd rather not discuss publically. But these events changed my life, it woke something deep inside of me and pushed me in a new direction. I namned the song An Ascension because it was the main theme of that period in my life, and the song per se is inspired by that theme. It's not actually about a specific person, but there are a couple of different people who were on my mind when I wrote it.

Music has always been something very important to me, a way for me to express things I otherwise can't, and I really do feel like it's an extension of my soul. It's hard to explain, but it's like music is the essence of life sometimes.. And in times when I can't sing due to different circumstances, I feel like I'm not functioning, or like I'm fading. It's interesting, and it's so deeply rooted in my being. No matter the feeling, music always clears things up somehow. It's so profound, and awesome!

Sensations

Sometimes I just get a tingling sensation going through my entire body. It's like an exciting nervousness feeling spreading through all of my chakras, mostly solar plexus and feet/legs, and when I breathe through them, the feeling is almost orgasmic. Sounds weird I know, but it's also interesting. I have no idea where it's coming from. It's such a bliss and such a peace, it feels like a promise of amazing experiences to come.

I feel like, I'm really on the right track.. And that everything really is going to be okay. It's an incredible feeling. There's so much inspiration and so many possibilities. 

Fascinating too that this can randomly occur in the most tedious situations. Just like that.

Even though pain and restlessness is present, a warm and loving energy is surrounding my being, and it gives me hope in these dark times. And finally today, the clouds have dispersed and the moon is shining brightly. I can see the water and the outlines of the mountains again. 

Now if only this migraine could go away haha!

Nerding away

I've made incredibly good use of my time - this week has been a Harry Potter week. I've watched almost all movies, just a couple more to go, and since it's only saturday I feel fairly confident! (Hmm.. I wonder if the sarcasm comes through here..)

(..However..) Watching Harry P again really takes me back to my childhood, I remember how I used to dream away my time and create my own world of mystery and magic. I never cared for the possible disappointment it resulted in, I just kept on dreaming and fantasising. I guess it was what essentially helped me cope in the dark and cold northern hemisphere, and through those rough patches in school and at home. But somewhere along the way, I stopped. I stopped allowing myself to do it. Fantasising became something I feared actually. And now, the dark and cold days have reentered my life, and perhaps my imagination could help me get through it once more, but I find myself reluctant to even try, scared to dream too much, afraid that I would imagine things to a degree that inevitably would create disappointment in the end - I have a history of easily fooling myself, and I'm not particularly interested in testing any new evolution in this area just yet. Though that day too will come.

On a midday walk earlier I noticed there was a blob of light in the sky - the moon hiding behind clouds. It's a full moon tomorrow, and tomorrow is also sunday. (Several times this week I've gotten the idea that I should get my hands on a shirt that says "stating the obvious", because I seem to do that a lot)
I went sunbathing before, VERY satisfying indeed, although not real sunlight, the solarium provided me with equal amounts of warmth and light. I think it helps in the dark season, when light is not only scarce, but simply does not exist. I've actually never been to a solarium before today, it was an interesting experience.

Apart from Harry Potter and a solarium visit, it's been a fairly busy week, with massage, exercising and exploring new grounds. Constantly reminded that life up here, is not like life down under, and the me I know and love in other parts of the world, is not the same me I know and love here. We take our experiences and learnings with us, but cannot keep living the same way when we find ourselves in new environments under new circumstances, it's just not doable. And it's how it's suppose to be, these changes and adjustments are what makes us grow and what continuously colours the everlasting existence we call our being.

Boy does this place make me wonder things.. From an anthropological point of view it's actually really fascinating! It's a pity I feel like I can't mention all the people I encounter and spend time with, there's always things to share. A lot of people are more interesting than what they think themselves to be.

When darkness keeps on falling

The darkness is starting to take a toll on me.. It's been around two or three weeks now since I last saw the sun. I've never been the person who's scared of a bit of darkness in winter time, some people get depressed, I don't. But this kind of constant darkness is hard to prepare for! It's mostly noticable on weekends when you sleep in and have heaps of leisure time, you go up late in the morning into the kitchen to make breakfast and yet it's still dark, and you're body is wondering "should I still be sleeping?" haha! And then the day continues on in the same manner - the hours go by and even though you're doing things, every time you look out the window there's a creeping feeling of unnaturalness, and the body is still waiting for that sun to appear somehow. But the sun doesn't appear, and when you take a look at what time it is, it's suddenly night again (not that you would know otherwise)

It feels a little bit better as soon as you step outside though, for a walk or whatnot. The cold air is invigorating. However, it's still dark, and sometimes that cold/snow/wind can be a slap in your face.

I went to the museum the other day, a lazy sunday activity, and the more I learned about the history of Svalbard, the sader I got. It's a tale of trappers and the gory, raw and unsympathetic reality that reigned. People came here not only for freedom, adventure and exploration, but exploitation (or so I would say). Whale hunting, walrus hunting, seal hunting, fox hunting, bird hunting, polar bear hunting, hunt hunting - kill until there's nothing left, seems to have been their motto.. By the end of the walk through all the exhibitions, I felt sick.

I guess there's a few different ways of looking at the dark season up here, either it's like living inside a cold tomb, or, it's like floating inside your mother's womb. It's a struggle between wanting to go into hibernation and be up and about - trying to maintain some sort of routine.

Looking at it through a positive perspective though, it's quite a magical period, of northern lights and glimmering stars. It's not hard to imagine you're in another part of the universe. I think this is the first time I don't feel an urge to visit another world in this dimension, because being here has really made me realise the huge variation in our own (that, and honestly, just watching nature documentaries). It's a big world we live in, so much to learn and see, we don't even know the half of it. What makes me so sad though, is that most people are just too wrapped up in the consumer society to see that - still just eyes on all the exploitation possibilities.

But anyway, I'm definitely starting to notice some side effects of this neverending darkness.. It isolates you, and forces you to take a good look at yourself, literally, because every time you try to look out the window, all you see is your own reflection.

Sudden motherhood

Somehow the light returned to me. Maybe to remind me. 

I dreamt I was pregnant, and then I gave birth. He was beautiful, and charming. His hair and eyes brown, a sweet little baby boy. In his late teens he had grown to be tall and slender, but strong. And it seemed he could only love, but he didn't quite understand our ways of loving. His curiosity made most people smile and generally he spread a joyous energy around him. He loved to share, and learn new things. It was as if he was an alien being, trying to adapt to our world... Maybe he had been away for several years because the time from when he was a little boy till now being all grown up, was lost.

People his own age found him peculiar, yet inspiring, they smiled back at him and were all so intrigued  by his energy and beauty. They knew he wasn't from their world, and yet they welcomed him as one of their own.

He also connected with my mum in my dream, letting her see him. She thought he was beautiful too, and she was taken by his otherworldly ways - always curious, smiling and loving.

I was so proud of him. He made me feel at peace because he reflected parts of myself and others that I had always wished could show more. And to know that I was a part of this being's creation..

He was a quick learner, and he adored humans, he wanted to know everything there was to know about them.

Not once did his father appear in the dream, but I knew he must have been more than what he had let me believe he was, to be able to be part of such a creation. I could feel then that I loved my son's father for letting this wondrous being come into my life. I also knew it wasn't just his creation, but mine. That there was something special inside of me that had given birth to our son, and made him the way he was. We belonged together, by sharing this special bond we were connected, and yet, somehow, we were from two different dimensions.

He had returned to me, and it made my entire being smile. He definitely didn't look how I expected him to look, but he was beautiful, and he didn't have any difficulty tapping into his own goodness and true self.

I've never dreamt anything like this before so it was quite amazing. I don't know where it all came from, but it was definitely an interesting experience.

Universal connection

Some people don't need much sleep. I'm not one of those people. But nevertheless here I am, almost 2 in the morning, awake, even though I have work in, well, a few hours. I guess it's just one of those nights, simply up late, contemplating sociology and life... My eyelids feel desperately heavy, yet when I close my eyes there's not a sense of sleepiness, only a million thoughts running through my head, all connected to the same feeling. A feeling of openness and overwhelming love, and I know that in this moment I'm bursting with light and projecting an enormous quantity of loving energy into the universe.

I know now that I'm not only here, but I'm in many places at once. Quantum physics, realised by stopping and looking, stopping and knowing. And I can feel a vibrating energy gently tickling my skin, like shivers all over my body.

Before falling asleep tonight I know that there's an entire universe inside of me.

Aurora

Well, at least I can't say being up here doesn't give me inspiration to write music. It was actually one of those things I knew would happen before I came. Apart from making money, I definitely saw this as a music retreat.

Last night we went out to see the northern lights, and it was so big! It covered an entire half of the sky! It was amazing and ever shifting - looking like it was dancing with the wind.
It's funny because my latest song is called Aurora, and when I first started writing it, I didn't really know what it would be about, because lyrics simply come to me most of the time, like visions, and sometimes it takes a while even for myself to get the message. But after some thought, Aurora seems to be about my time up here so far, and how taking some distance from my previous lifestyle has given me space to digest things and understand myself better. Understand people in general better actually and the different facets of this world! So it's been a fun and enriching process!

I'm trying to record a demo version right now that I will upload as soon as I'm happy with it (not going to be a perfectionist)

It's fun too to notice how my music style changes over time. I currently feel that I'm more open to experimenting and really look forward to trying to develop all these songs with other musicians in the near future.

Looking Inward - Awareness

Looking out the window, it's just white. I can't even see the mountains today. It's been snowing constantly for a few days now I think, but still there's not heaps of snow on the ground - which is interesting!
It's cold, mostly below -10 degrees celsius.

When I first started reading a book called "Looking inward" from the Wat Buddha Dhamma monastery, I thought it was a tad exaggerated, probably because I'm not used to reading about buddhism (or religion in general for that matter). But then I read one chapter that really resonated with me, it was as if I read my own thoughts of late, and it made me wonder.. I guess the more time and energy we put on awareness and consciousness, the more we realise these things on our own - teachings that someone must have come up with at some point in the same manner. It's just interesting how separate beings can come to the same conclusion without having to talk to each other, especially regarding spirituality, and I guess that's what it's all about isn't it!

The chapter was called "Aware right at awareness". It's about well, exactly what it sounds like - awareness - being aware of that everything simply arises, persists until it inevitably disbands.

The author writes:

"Looking inward is special in so many ways. Whatever arises, simply stop still and look at it. Don't get excited by it. If any special intuitions arise when the mind is still, then if you'll become excited you'll get the mind worked up into a turmoil. If you become afraid that this or that will happen, that too will get you in a turmoil. So you have to stop and look, stop and know. The first thing is simply to look. The first thing is simply to know. And don't latch onto what you know - because whatever it is it's simply a phenomenon which arises and disbands, changing as part of its nature."

"If your mindfulness and discernment are constantly in charge, the truths of the arising and disbanding of mental and physical phenomena are always there for you to see, always there for you to know... All we have to do is stop and look, stop and know clearly in this way, and we'll be able to away with many kinds of suffering and stress."

Finding peace and stillness, that emptiness - that according to this book is inside all of us, is amazing. But I've also discovered that it's not all about drifting around in a huge nothingness.. Not really.