Because I felt like it

Today I had a fairly interesting day. I was alone in the office which meant amongst other things that I could play any kind of music I wanted without worrying about anyone getting annoyed - which meant playing Michael Jackson and Prince while dancing in my chair to wake up in the morning - then settling down and going into work-mode by listening to "relaxing" piano music and the soundtrack to "Amélie" (twice).

Came home, sat down with my guitar as usual (still haven't named it) and played through a couple of my latest songs. Then I realised, man, I'm hungry! And remembered we have home-made spring rolls from one of the thai restaurants! (the cook gave us a special deal ah yeah)
So with that knowing, I went down to the supermarket to buy Starbucks ice coffee for tomorrow morning. (Also popped into the second hand shop just to find the coolest beanie in the world!)

Firey smooching

This post may vary a bit from the rest, but I like sharing random memories.

So, I just remembered making out with this guy in his bed not too long ago, when suddenly the pillow caught fire because there was a candle burning on the bedside table. He quickly pulled the pillow from under my head and threw it on the floor, and since it was still kind of burning I poured tea on it - a cup also standing on the table. Then, since it was so smokey he threw the pillow out the window, then he came back to continue to make out, like nothing had happened. I think the pillow was lying there on the ground in that same place probably for a week at least after that. I guess, the funniest thing about it was how not a big deal he made out of it. I always find that with guys, especially in intimate situations, they just don't let anything be a mood breaker, and if you let it be a mood breaker, they just get annoyed.

(And while we're on this track, I've never really understood why some people think it's a turn off to laugh and have fun during sex.. It's awesome to mix in some giggles and laughs with the seriousness, like in any situation actually.)

Growing up

"Growing up means growing out of the emotional reactive patterns that were laid down in childhood. I should mention that an important part of this work is learning how to hold our emotions and reactivity in a space of kindness and understanding. 

Beyond growing up, there's a greater possibility as well—waking up. This means waking up to who we really are—that fundamental openness and warmth of the sun. It means learning to live more and more from that place, even when new clouds arise, as they will." - J.W.

Keep calm and carry own

When you in a heated discussion discover things about yourself that you didn't know existed, and how they probably came to be in the first place.

Understanding yourself more can sometimes be scary, and sad for that matter. Some realisations may not be about one's flaws or qualities, they can simply be insights into why things are the way they are, and how the past is affecting you now. Clarity can arise on certain frustrations, and why you're drawn to certain people. Sometimes it can make you feel like you're broken, but I think it's best to try to feel like it's okay, just learn from it and move on. Understand that you can't fix everything and everyone, you can only try to lead with a good example, whatever you think is good - tap into your higher knowing.

There's a sad and frustrated silence filling the apartment. I'm trying to relax. Frustrated because I feel that change is in the air, but then there are some things that are stubbornly hanging in there. Unnecessary issues which could easily be resolved but just aren't. It makes me sad because I really want them to. Even if I've grown to detach from these problems, they're still there it seems - family dramas.

I think it's hard sometimes to simply accept that people are a certain way, and that there's nothing you can do about it. There's nothing you can say that will change how they act and how they speak, the only one who can change them are they themselves. That's how I've changed, by realising things on my own and being observant of my own thoughts and behaviour and how it affects others. Awareness is the tool to self-improvement. Instead of trapping ourselves in darkness and retreat into our bubble, we need to step out into the light. Not feeling sorry for ourselves, not being stubborn, jealous and uncooperative. We need to be brave, always brave. Because we've created problems and things to be afraid of to a degree that isn't fair to anything or anyone in this world. Be someone you would be proud of, without putting pressure on yourself. Be proud of accomplishment and efforts.

Helping each other is what creates bonds between people, it connects people, caring about each others wellbeing. A warming hug, a friendly smile or even just a pat on the shoulder can go a long way. 

It's awesome to be strong, but sometimes it can be worse not to allow yourself to be a little bit weak once in a while - with emphasis on "what does it mean to be weak, and what does it mean to be strong?" We all need to cry, and vent, and feel like things will be alright. And it's our duty as intelligent sympathetic beings to support each other as well as we can, to let people know that they're not alone. We shouldn't of course let others drag us down and spend every waking hour to help someone, but in the midst of our care taking of ourselves, let there be time to take care of others as well. 

The time stopper

How precious are those moments when you just are. When you forget about time and only feel a connection with the universe. When a combination of everything occurs - creating an entire entity out of all that is, and you are one with it. What ever the sensations you might experience are, they don't seem to be separate anymore, but rather they only become a series of reactions within the entity, like muscles flexing. 

How precious are those moments. I can close my eyes and instantly be connected, be conscious, be aware. All emotions seem to fade briefly except the natural fascination, love, light and curiosity. I feel that I am me and that me is a part of absolutely everything, me becomes you and you becomes me. The focus lies on the feeling of being a part of all that I love - where I project my love as it reflects back to me. I'm a part of the scent of morning dew, the sound of birds singing in the trees and the great mysterious oceans. I'm a part of the music I hear, I'm a part of the people I love. I feel like I can go back in time and that I can see my own future and parallel lives being lived. And I feel joy and happiness and compassion. I think of the wonders that are only visible on higher levels but which still can be felt on this, and all those small sensations that really are big sensations because they make me feel alive, they make me aware of the fact that I exist. I am the participant and the observer, and that existence is precious. Moments, when time stands still. 

The time stopper is awareness. Awareness becomes the link to oneness and the ever flowing river of light and creation.

Painting by Fredric Church "The River of Light"

Enough space to be sane

Sometimes I think dreams are what keeps us sane, because they make us realize that we're not that limited, even if the space of the dream world may feel limited per se sometimes. Living in a box makes us go insane because we know our soul's breathing only works outside of the cage. So dreams - which can fill us with hope and fear - above all else they make our lives so much bigger - endless. It can seem it's our own divinity we connect to when our bodies are resting, allowing us to travel to a space where anything is possible. Meanwhile our waking hours may not be as encouraging and spacious. But with the possibilities that dreams give us, every night we have an opportunity to fuel ourselves with the type of energy we need for the coming day.

A couple of weeks back I dreamt that I was standing on a staircase looking up at the night sky. In the sky there was a giant whale swimming around as if it was the ocean, and its outlines were glowing like starlight (very similar to the picture above). It was quite the image, and that image gives me courage still, and comforts me on dark days when hope is scarce and fear is present. I don't know what that whale was or what the dream meant but it made me feel loved and looked after. Dreams about whales seems to be reoccurring for me lately.

Excursion Time

Finally home after a long day, I'm excruciatingly tired so let's see how writing goes.. It's been snowing on and off, casually bbq:ed some whale and salmon on a boat next to an enormous glacier, I've visited a small russian settlement further south and on the way back I meditated next to the fire barrel on deck with a cup of tea, looking out over 

the vast snowy mountain desert and ocean (before I got a little bit nauseous). And I must say I've really appreciated mum's goose down coat today..

So the settlement I visited was called Barentsburg, it has about 500 citizens - more or less depending on the season. It's a very small mining community where the majority of people are russian and the russian culture is very noticeable in all the amazing artwork on the houses. There's a small chapel, there's a school, supermarket and sports center, library, museum, pig farm, hotel and various other buildings where people live etc, and of course there's the mine. It's quite amazing - and I was taken by this - it took us about two and a half hours by boat from Longyearbyen to reach this settlement and when we arrived I thought things looked pretty much the same as the place we left, nature and the majority of the buildings and the ongoing activities, but there were these small things that were so very different, so fascinating, and it really felt like you were in russia all of the sudden. It doesn't perhaps sound heaps cool but it was amazing! Especially since it was so small and like Longyearbyen - isolated in this rough arctic landscape, they only had ONE helicopter for transportation to civilization. People live a very impressive and unusual life.

I'm beginning to feel the small town vibes, it's so nice and interesting to get to know people here, it's a different mentality. Being cut off some how from the rest of the world - set in a somewhat unavailable  location, it changes people (to the better). I've never felt intimidated by anyone or scared going out in the middle of the night, because I guess up here you're so vulnerable it creates a new way of thinking and acting, it creates a trust and bond between people, knowing that solidarity is the only way to survive and be happy. 

There are a few different types of people who choose to come and live here; people looking for adventure, people wanting peace and quiet, community people or maybe just people who simply love nature. But yeah, most people only come to make money of course. (- to start with anyway, and then they fall in love with this place and stick around for years. I probably won't be one of those people though. Not that I'm not totally amazed by this place, because I am, but I just know that I'm at my best/the most happy when living in a warm climate - long term.)

Something I've thought about today; Everyone has history, we all know this. But everyone also has stories, myths and legends. What are yours?

Moments of today

Just getting home from first day at new job, naturally putting on my pyjamas and pretending I know how to tap dance irish style while listening to irish music. 

Also I made about a hundred alaskan husky friends today, man I love animals! Especially dogs.

Keeping a good diet

(The blue packages are oat milk,
and the yellow tube - believe it or not
- is mackerel in tomato sauce!
The rest is pretty obvious, I think)

Who knew eating healthy would be possible in the arctic! I am so grateful! 

- In contrast with the very meaty dinner I had yesterday consisting of reindeer, whale, seal and white grouse. It was very interesting though, I like to try new things food-wise. 

Well, I like food in general (!) 

The ways of nature

Not too long ago a light of creation could be felt inside of me, a light that wasn't welcome but that I couldn't help but to strangely love unconditionally. It lit up a space in my heart but then swiftly went out, like a delicate flame in the wind. I promised I would always remember that light. 

It's white out there

Where I was born, I was born in winter. I was always jealous of my friends who were born in summer, who could have strawberry birthday cakes (this is a big deal okay, I love strawberries) and be out playing in the sun and go swimming and whatnot at their birthday parties. On my birthday I was basically trapped inside the house because of the snow and ice - or sometimes slush because it was melting.. I guess there were good parts though, you could go skiing or ice skating, building snow forts and stuff like that - if you were lucky with the weather of course. Although in general I just hated it, I hated the cold. 

But right here right now, I feel a refreshing appreciation for it. I can really feel that I am a winter-child and have a connection with it, not in a way that makes me like it more necessarily, but it's there. Looking out over the mountains that are covered in snow with white clouds hovering above them, I just feel like, it's so beautiful, so serene! It's probably what you'd imagine heaven could look like - visually very satisfying - one of the most beautiful views there is in this world! I dearly love colours, psychologically colours make me feel better, but there's something special about when the world is just white, because, white is all the colours gathered - it's the light before it passes through the prism. It's something mysterious and magical, just like these gorgeous mountains, and combined… Stunning, just stunning. (And the fresh air is not too shabby either hah!)

Eventually, going back to summer land will be amazing - to say the least - and when that day comes, I'll know a completely new meaning of winter. The seasons of this world will continue to amaze me! NATURE will continue to amaze me. It's all magic I say. 

:)